He probably expected me to say some jest of my own. I couldn’t. I could only stare at him, suddenly miserable at the thought of him riding away from me in some nobleman’s carriage. Everything I’d come to enjoy about life was tied to Ronan.
That was another change that had happened to me. I could go from laughter to tears in the span of a breath.
His smile faded and he got out of his chair and sat beside me on the bed. “It won’t be so bad when I leave.” He motioned to the books on his desk. I had read all of his school books except for the magic ones. “You know history, etiquette, mathematics, and you speak like a highborn lady. You’ve far too many skills for Wolfson to keep you in the kitchen.”
“Where will he put me then? Will he give me to the next apprentice he’s trying to cheer?”
Ronan grew a shade paler. Perhaps I did as well. I’d never considered the possibility of being given to one of the other apprentices until I said the words out loud. It might actually happen. Mage Wolfson clearly didn’t care about my virtue. He wouldn’t have let me be alone with Ronan every day, unchaperoned, if he had.
I placed my hand on top of Ronan’s. “Could you take me with you when you leave?”
He frowned. “I wouldn’t have the funds to buy you until I’d worked for a while. And even then, what respectable family would approve of their wizard sending for a beautiful young woman to live with him? The noble households have their own servants and think it their right to choose all who work in their castles.”
“You could tell them I cook well,” I whispered. “That is, if you don’t mind lying.” I couldn’t say what I really thought, which was that marriage laws allowed servants to marry outside their master’s estates if their husband or husband’s master paid off the servant’s price. Ronan was bound to marry a highborn woman who’d give him connections and prestige. “Will you even think of me when you work for nobility?” The question was asked with no trace of jesting this time.
He dipped his chin to indicate I shouldn’t have asked, which I shouldn’t have. I had no claim on him. “What do you think, Sella?”
I thought he was avoiding the question. I had no right to press the point. “Could you give me a protection charm to keep me from the grasp of rakes? Invisibility perhaps?”
He shook his head. “To achieve invisibility, an incantation must be spoken each time. You’d need to have a wizard’s mark for that.”
“Extra strength?” I asked.
“You’d also need a wizard’s mark for that.”
“How about?—”
“Any magic of substance requires a wizard’s mark.” His eyes were truly regretful. “I want to help you. I’ll think on it.”
It wasn’t enough reassurance. I snapped, “Why can’t you just give me a wizard’s mark?”
The words hung in the air, petulant and impossible. He stared at me without answering. I’d pushed our friendship too far. I was blaming him for things not his fault.
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and gazed at the books on his desk. “I’ve never thought of whether such a thing might be possible.”
“Could it be?” Surely it couldn’t. And yet Ronan’s thoughtful expression gave me hope.
As though reciting a lesson, he said, “The wizard’s mark is a manifestation of his magic. It can’t be given. One must be born with it. But then, perhaps wizards just don’t try to give it because they’ve no wish to share power. A group of mages can take a wizard’s magic by removing his mark. Who’s to say there isn’t a way to give a mark?”
Ronan had never mentioned that magic could be taken from a wizard. I supposed it wasn’t something wizards wanted people to know.
“The teachers have always said,” he went on, “that trying to give someone magic would be like trying to teach a man with no eyes to see, and yet with enough magic, theoretically, I might be able to give a blind man eyes. Why not a wizarding mark?” Ronan leaned back and put his hand over mine. His touch was soft and reassuring. “I’ll study it. We have time.”
At the most, he had a little over a year left. But the fact that Ronan would do something so grand and illegal for me—it made my affection for him swell and my caution disappear. I breached all manner of etiquette and twisted my hand so it held his. Proper maidens wouldn’t be so forward, and as soon as I did it, Iworried I’d made a mistake. The last thing I wanted was to make things awkward between us with unmet expectations.
I felt him staring at me, but I looked only at our hands, fingers clasped together.
Mistake, mistake, mistake.
Now he would have to pull his hand away from mine and that would feel like rejection.
“You asked if I would ever forget you,” he said softly. “The answer is no, never. Never, Sella.”
I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I only nodded.
With his free hand, he gently took hold of my chin and turned my face to his. “I won’t leave you without protection.”
“I wish you didn’t have to leave at all.” My voice cracked, betraying more emotion than I wanted.