Sandrine stood stiffly in her mother’s embrace. “There’s no possibility of that.”
“Oh thank the dear Lord! I couldn’t have borne it.”
“Mother,” Sandrine said evenly, “did something hurtful happen to you when you were a girl in London? Is that what this is all about?”
Her mother dropped her arms and stood rigid and shaking with fury. “This isn’t about me.”
“But it is, isn’t it? It’s all about you. I want to know what made you so fearful of living your life and so restrictive of me living mine.”
“You want to know what happened to me in my childhood? I’ll tell you. I don’t even know who my father is. My mother doesn’t know. It wasn’t the elderly man she was married to, thatmuch she told me. And if that wasn’t enough, she raised me with no moral compass, no rules. I was allowed to do as I pleased. I was lost at sea, tossed and turned about with no one to guide me.”
“I know. She told me as much when I went to see her yesterday. She admitted that she’d made mistakes as a young mother.”
“She raised me and my sister in a scandalous manner. It wasn’t a proper environment for children. The men that came to our house, her artist’s models, were sometimes inappropriately attentive. One of them seduced me, promised that he would marry me. I was so desperate to leave that house that I believed his lies. I was such an ignorant fool. I hadn’t been taught right from wrong. I’d never been taught to be cautious and measured in my actions. And so I succumbed to the first wicked rake who made me pretty promises. And he took my virtue and abandoned me, left me in the gutter.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“I was only sixteen, Sandrine. And my mother didn’t protect me. I didn’t love your father, but I married him because he was an honorable gentleman, one who was willing to marry a ruined woman who’d been used and discarded like a soiled handkerchief. I married him on the condition that he take me far away from London. I vowed never to return. From that day forward I determined that my mother was dead.”
“She’s so very sorry, and she’s changed. She wants to apologize to you, to try to make amends.”
“She was never there for me when I needed her. She was there for her midnight friends, her parties and her entertainments, but not for me. And she won’t be there for you, either.”
“She’s changed. She’s a loving mother to Dawn and to her granddaughter Sophia. She’s going to visit them abroad. We have a family, Mama. Don’t you want to meet your niece? Don’t you miss your sister?”
“My sister is dead to me as well. Selfish people like them never change. They only chase passing thrills. And don’t think that Ruby can replace me. She’ll never be a good mother to you.”
“I don’t need a mother, I have you. And you’ve kept me safe, and you’ve given me confidence and allowed me to be secretary of the historical society, and I thank you for that quiet, useful existence. But it’s time for me to leave the nest. It’s time for you to allow me to spread my wings.”
“It’s not spreading your wings, it’s clipping them. You’ll be dragged down into the mud by this rake and by your new friends. I can’t bear to think of you being exposed to the depravity my mother encourages around her. She’s turned you against me. Even after everything I taught you, all the warnings. You’re making the same mistakes that I made. That handsome rake won’t marry you, he’s only using you. You have your head so far in the clouds, my girl, that you can’t see the muck your feet are mired in. And if he becomes a duke? Do you think he could marry a girl who is the granddaughter of the notorious Madam Avalon? This is what Iwas trying to protect you from. The knowledge of our sordid connections and the hot coals of shame that society will heap upon your head once they know.”
“I’m sorry, Mama. But I must live my own life.” It cost her everything to say those words. “And my goal isn’t marriage. My goal is freedom.”
The familiar guilt sat atop her chest like a boulder. The desire to please her mother, to be what she so desperately needed her to be, was still strong. She understood her so much better now. Understood why she’d been so harsh and restrictive.
“I’ve done everything for you, lived my life for you. How can you do this to me?” Her mother staggered to a chair and sat down heavily. “You are mimicking my mother’s words. She always said that freedom was her ideal, but it’s a deadly trap. Can’t you see that? You’re angry with me, you’re trying to hurt me, when everything I’ve done has been to protect you and keep you from harm. What have I always told you about London? It’s true, all of it. Look at how it’s infected you, twisted your mind to sin. Come home with me now, and we’ll rebuild the life we had. We don’t need Mr. Pilkington. Let it be you and me, together, as we always were.”
“I love you, Mother.” Sandrine knelt beside her. “I’m not making this choice lightly or to hurt you. I’m making it because you’ve made all my choices up until this point. You’ve been the one to decide every aspect of my life, and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. It’s for me todiscover. And I might make mistakes. I’ll be less than perfect. But I won’t stop loving you. And I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and love me too.”
“I won’t forgive you, Sandrine. Not if you continue associating with that woman. That would be unforgivable. I’m begging you to come home with me.” Her mother clutched her hands. “Forget about my scandalous mother. Forget about that arrogant rake who will never, ever love you the way you love him. Come home, and we’ll start all over again.”
“I wish I could do as you ask because I don’t want to hurt you or disobey you. But it’s too late. I can’t forget everything I’ve learned. I have much to do here in London. I am helping Lord Dane host a charity ball, a worthy endeavor. I want to become better acquainted with my grandmother. I think society is wrong to shun her. I honestly believe she’s changed, and I want you to come with me to talk to her.”
Her mother’s gaze hardened and she sat stiffly on the edge of her chair. “If you choose to stay here, Sandrine, then I wash my hands of you.”
“Mama, you can’t mean that!”
“I’ll pray for you.”
Sandrine bowed her head, grief gnawing at her heart. “Don’t do this.”
“When you are disgraced and your rake leaves you, and all the hollow pleasures of London turn to ashes in your mouth, when you are brought low and humble, then I may accept you back out of charity.” She rose and straightened her skirts.“When you are properly remorseful, you may appeal to me.” She turned and walked away.
“Mama!”
The door closed. Sandrine fell against the arm of the sofa, hot tears soaking the cloth. It hurt too much. But she couldn’t run after her mother and beg forgiveness. She couldn’t go back to her old life.
She heard Mr. Pilkington’s voice outside, and her mother’s, and then the sound of a carriage leaving.