Eneko’s cart waits, prepared for us to go to the feast.
The two boys, Urdort and Relmos, are already sitting on one of the benches, wearing fine clothing. Eneko helps his wife to the front of the cart, so that they might sit next to each other, and I am left to haul myself into the back. It smells of sweat, wood, and something foul that I'd rather not inspect too closely.
The boys continue to poke and prod at each other as I settle on the bench opposite them. I take a deep breath, trying to ignore their fighting. It isn't my business to help them. When they look over at me, the youngest smiles and the elder one hits him squarely on the shoulder.
"Don't speak to her," he hisses.
I let the remarks go and brace myself against the wood as the ride gets bumpier. We pass the trees and slave pens until we make it to the road. I try to look for Ra’Sa to see if I might get a glimpse of him before the feast, but no slave is in sight.
A sensation creeps up my lower back and moves all the way up my spine.
Tonight. You'll see him tonight after?—
Enough! It doesn't matter. This is the mission.
I let the worries roll off of me like snowflakes that float to the ground. We travel past the snow-covered trees while I clutch my cloak closed. I watch as Urdort leans his head against Relmos' shoulder, and something inside of me softens. They are generally monstrous boys with horrible parents, but they are still children.
Even I was young and monstrous once.
It’s not hard to understand why Hibsej hates me. If I were in her position, I don't know how I could share the man who hadpromised to be mine. Especially not after I'd willingly given him babies.
To be honest, I don't even fully remember all the details of the man who gave me Thea and Wren. I remember the color of his hair and the sweat that slicked his skin, but everything else faded, like the pain of giving birth.
I hate those memories.Most of the time, I keep them buried deep.
But it’s hard not to compare such a time to Ra'Sa's fingers skittering across my skin as he packed the wound. My mind pictures Ra'Sa over me instead of the other two men who have held that place. His eyes would be focused on me instead of his own pleasure.
Just like he had in my dreams.
Fuck. Those dreams.
Like pine sap catching fire, a new ache spreads through my chest. What if he had been Wren and Thea's father? I scarcely need to ask the question to know how different life would've been. How much gentler and sweetereverythingwould've been. He wouldn't have made me fear motherhood.
But I’ve lost my opportunity. He wants new babies… his babies.
My eyes squeeze shut. Hope is the cruelest of emotions. I cast the painful thoughts aside, but they don't sink into the cracks on the road. They cling to my skirts, like the smell of smoke clings to my clothes as we approach the palace.
I see some of the other foremen from other regions approaching the palace in a similar fashion.
Juan, the human foreman that Abi used to belong to, has a new woman at his side. At least he doesn't have a family to insult with her presence.
This human is sullen and thin—the opposite of Abi's thick, full body. I try to catch her eye. When I manage to, she quickly looks away.
I frown and twist my hands in my skirts.
There are over twenty foremen scattered around, but I hardly recognize any of their women. Abi and Paoli made feasts like this the faintest bit more tolerable. At least we could cast each other covert rolls of our eyes when we were drawn into our masters' laps.
Colorful dresses begin to reveal themselves from under thick woolen cloaks as men and women are escorted up the palace steps. I hop off the back of the wagon unceremoniously and follow closely behind Hibsej and Eneko. Hibsej looks disgusted when she sees me trying to get my footing right.
"At least act like you are a lady,” she sneers.
I take a deep breath, nod, and quietly thank her. There’s no reason to make anyone mad tonight; it will only worsen things. The boys join their mother’s side while I attach myself to the back left of Eneko—his little, human shadow.
We continue up to the top of the steps, and I straighten when one of the men collects my cloak. The human frowns at me, but I let his unpleasant glances bounce off me.
Fuck him. I could fret about the giants finding me desirable, or I could turn my looks into a tool to feed my family.
If I had to do it all over again, I would.