A part of me relaxes, awaiting the blow that will surely come. I have taken things too far. I flinch when he extends his fist. Except, he doesn’t touch me.
“Type,” he commands, thrusting the phone in my hand. His eyes are wreathed in shadows.
Snatching the thing, I glare at him and type out exactly what he can go and do to himself. His brows furrow as he reads my message, and then he grinds, “Get out of my room.”
My heart lands in my stomach like a stone plopping into shallow water. Erik turns around, wades to the nightstand, and grabs my phone. I barely catch it when he tosses it to me. “Get. Out,” he repeats.
I oblige and hurry away. Each step causes me to feel worse. He didn’t even hit me. I cross through the open threshold, and the door slams behind me.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I cringe. Not wanting to see anyone else, I walk back into my room and slam the door. My back connects with the door, and I slide down.
The loss of the severed connection echoes throughout my body. It is worth it. It is my price for my reckless attitude towards him.
* * *
It’s trulyincredible how long I can stay staring at the wall.
My tear-stained cheeks have long since dried, and my hair lays in limp tangles around my face. The bland white wall in front of me is as empty as my brain.
I’m trying to keep my mind quiet, so I don’t tumble down the bottomless pit I had spent more than an hour in after returning to my room. The thoughts had been dangerous, and they scared me. It is much better to be blank and emotionless, like the wall. That wall is the clean slate I am begging for inside.
A life with stability, loving parents, siblings, and friends. Friends whose current, verified contact information I can have on my phone.
A clean slate was what I had been before I’d been stripped of my voice and nearly assaulted. And… just like that, I am falling back into the abyss.
The tears return, and I squeeze my eyes shut against the pain.
I don’t want to be the Crown Princess, I don’t want to be heading to my uncle's Daemon empire. I’m not ready to prepare for becoming a queen. Everyone knows I will fail miserably at the role.
The whole time I have been on this boat, I have been shoving these thoughts and burying them under a pile of other shit. Now, less than a week and a half before we dock in the Gates of Hell, I have to face my future.
I consider taking my father’s throne and all the birthright power that comes with it. I imagine I will become a fearsome being of cruel authority, just like him. Quick to punish, slow to listen.
Henrick was the one who had that role down pat. I suppose a bit of that exists inside me, but I find the more time I am forced to listen, the more I enjoy it. Enjoying living and not just objects is relatively new for me.
Most of the joy I have found in my life can be reduced to Elva and this ship.
My face crumples. If I enjoy it so much, why did I hurt Erik? I ran around, throwing and breaking things like a child. What the hell is wrong with me?
The intrusive thoughts come back. I see myself walking out of my room and up the stairs to the deck. When I reach the rail, I climb over it and throw myself into the churning sea.
The tears come harder, and I hate the thought. I want to look away and distract myself, but my own mind is poisoning me. Red-hot self-hatred is a whirlpool that causes gooseflesh to pebble on my arms and tighten my lower back.
I look up, staring directly into the cool, fluorescent light. I wish for anything to distract me.Please, gods above, just anything.
A tense moment passes before a familiar vibration buzzes next to my hip. I look down.
Not-an-asshole Erik: Hey
I blink. I’ve never been a particularly spiritual being, but I can't stop the wordmiraclefrom passing through my brain.
The FaePhone fumbles in my fingers as I unlock it and stare at the message. Three dots pop up below it, and I stare at those, too. A menacing thought pops into my mind. What if what comes next is more anger? I deserve that after how I acted.
A very long message appears.
Not-an-asshole Erik: If you disrespect me like that again, I will personally see your removal from my ship once and for all. I will not stand for disrespect, and I have been made painfully aware that I look like a simpering ass allowing you to do whatever you wish with me.
I wince. All of this is merited.