“I was thinking that I know honest when I see it,” Ed said. “Every single week the public thinks we do our best. Every single week we hold something back for the final. We all lie by omission. But you weren’t lying when you sang last night, were you?” He didn’t wait for Pasha to answer. “I watched you go all-in for once instead of playing safe like everyone else. It was brave—and pointless—but you were honest about how much you wanted to make it good for the fans.” He drew in a deep breath. “I decided to do the same thing.”
“Kissing me in front of millions of people was your version of being honest?”
Ed took another step away. “I’ve been honest every time we’ve touched for a while now. Last night was me manning up, that’s all.” He rubbed at the back of his neck.
“It wasn’t a tactic for the cameras?”
“Nope.”
The kitchen table made a hell of a noise against the tile when Pasha grabbed hold of Ed and shoved him against it. “You want to know why I stopped you?”
Ed shook his head.
Pasha frowned. “You don’t want to know why I travelled across the country?”
“No.” Ed’s exhale was hot against the skin of his neck. Pasha looked at his feet wondering just when they’d decided all on their own to get as close to Ed as they could. Now they were planted firmly between Ed’s slightly spread legs.
“I get it,” Ed continued. “You wanted to tell me face-to-face. You’re not gay.”
“I….”
Pasha’s hesitation was answer enough for Ed. He nodded, eyes closed, as if putting off seeing rejection firsthand. He blinked them open at Pasha’s response.
“I didn’t know that you were.”
Ed’s huff of laughter sounded involuntary. “How, Pash? How could you not know?” He leaned in, his mouth against Pasha’s ear. “Straight guys don’t melt like I do when other men whisper in their ear. You did it to me so often, I thought you were doing it on purpose.” He dragged his lips slowly to the hinge of Pasha’s jaw, then upward to the dip of his temple. “And how many times did I find a reason to kiss you right here lately?” The soft press of his mouth lingered.
Pasha’s hands had found their way to Ed’s shoulders, either holding him away or keeping him close. It was so hard to judge the difference right then.
“That should have been a big clue,” Ed said. “Straight men don’t kiss like that unless they’re both drunk or one of them is dying.” His inhale was sudden and ragged. “I made a mistake last night. And I made a mistake when I assumed the gay rumors about you were true. I should have told you that I was, but keeping it to myself is second nature.” He shrugged. “The Army gave me almost a decade to practice.”
Ed pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes when Pasha staggered back a few steps. “You being here is a mistake as well, Pash. Management will boot you out of the contest.” He sank down onto a chair and pulled out his phone. “We need to check if there is any real evidence online that you came here.” Determination etched creases into his brow. “If there’s no proof, I’ll book you a train ticket right now. You could go where they sent you before anyone from management even realizes you’re a day late.”
“No.”
“No, there’s nothing online about you being here?” Ed’s tone was disbelieving. “No photos? No nothing?”
Pasha took the phone from his hands and set it down on the table. “No, don’t book me a ticket.”
“But….” Ed rubbed at his eyes one more time. “They told us to go home, Pash.”
Pasha didn’t answer.
Ed did what he’d done so many times already. He tugged Pasha down onto his lap, and that felt so natural that Pasha let his head fall into the crook of Ed’s neck and shoulder. “You really want to know why I stopped you last night?”
Ed nodded very slowly. From this close, the freckles over the bridge of his nose were familiar constellations.
Pasha raised the phone and took a photo of their faces close together before typing a few words.
He showed the photo to Ed, both of them looking equally exhausted, snuggled close together under a single sentence of text.
Home is where the heart is.
“I didn’t know what was happening last night,” Pasha admitted. He took back the phone and pressed Send. “I didn’t know, but maybe I want to find out.”
11
ED