Her tone was soft and non-judgmental, but he felt judged and what was worse, he felt guilty for hurting her. He never even asked how she was doing.
Clearing his throat and appalled at how callous he had been, he blurted out, "It's just that I don't want to lose you."
"You made that perfectly clear."
For some irrational reason, her calm, quiet tone was making him feel even worse.
"You lied to me."
"I never lied to you."
"You withheld essential information from me. Same thing."
She inclined her head regally. "Point taken."
"Look." He dragged restless fingers through his hair. "I don't know how to deal with this." He rose jerkily and walked over to the rail. There was a scent of rain in the air. The pungent smell of flowers blooming wafted upwards and the breeze was cooling."I cannot lose you," he repeated dully. "If that's something you can't understand then, I don't know what else to say." He turned to face her. "Do you want me to apologize?"
Her tapered brows lifted. "Not if you don't mean it."
Abandoning pride and anger, he walked over and crouched down. Taking the cup from her, he clutched her hands, a naked expression of undiluted fear on his handsome face. "I'm scared as hell. Do you get that? I'm scared down to my bones."
Chapter 13
The naked plea in his deep voice had her reaching out a hand to cup his jaw. He had always struck her as being strong and indomitable, but right now, he was afraid and she could relate to that.
"So am I," she admitted softly. "You said I was being selfish." She shook her head when he opened his mouth to refute the statement he had made in anger. "You might be right. I work with children of a particular age. I watch them grow, learn, evolve, and interact. I'm their caregiver from nine in the morning until three in the afternoon. Sometimes I stay back to help with projects or sit with them until their nannies come to get them." Her gaze turned luminous.
"And I yearn. Each time I hold a child in my arms, wipe away tears, listen to some story about problems at home, I yearn to hold my own child in my arms. In the past it was always obscure, something elusive, something I'm looking forward to. When I met you and I fell in love, the picture became clear." Her expression softened.
"I started seeing a son or a daughter with your looks, the thick hair, the beautiful sapphire blue eyes. Yes, naturally, because of my own ethnicity, that's not rational. But I want a child with your looks and your strength. I want to look at our child and be reminded that somehow I made you love me." A tear trickled down her cheek and moved him beyond measure. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Dean. I don't have a deathwish, but I have hope and faith in what I believe in. I just want you to understand."
He stared at her in silence for what seemed like an eternity.
He had treated her badly over the last few days, shouting at her because of his fear, accusing her of engineering the entire thing, thinking only of himself, settling into a funk because he was thinking that she had tricked him. He had talked about termination of the pregnancy and never once asked how she was doing. And she still stood with him. A lump formed inside his throat and had him swallowing valiantly. Scooping her into his arms, he stood with the backdrop of the trees shrouded in darkness, the rich scent of flowers blooming, and just simply held her, his face buried in the fragrant scent of her hair as he breathed her in.
Little by little, he felt himself steadying. The fear and anger were being replaced by a desire so strong, so intense, it was making him tremble.
Lifting his head, he searched her face and saw the answer there as well.
"We shouldn't," he began. "We can't."
Her hands lifted to wrap themselves around his neck. "We have to." She smiled at him. "We need this."
"I'm hungry for you," he admitted baldly. "It's been a few days, and going that long without you means I'm going to be rough."
She responded by pulling his head down to hers. The scent of her breath made him dizzy. The brush of her lips broke his restraint and had him hardening. By the time her tongue entered his mouth, his control disintegrated. He kissed her with fierce ardor, his tongue matching hers for speed and passion. The kiss was drunken and hungry. He had deliberately stayed away from her over the last few days and suffered as a result. Now he was holding her in his arms.
Without breaking the ardent kiss, he strode into the bedroom and laid her back on the pillows. His eyes were turbulent as he stared at her.
"Are you sure?"
She simply untied the robe and shrugged it off. He was captivated at the sight of her lush beauty. Were her breasts slightly rounder, he wondered dazedly. Or was it his fevered mind playing tricks on him? With undignified haste, he got rid of his clothing and joined her. He was going to try and slow things down, even though his body was urging him to do the opposite.
Lifting a hand, he tucked a fat coil of hair behind her ear.
"You will always be the most beautiful woman I've ever met." His voice was thick with need.
"I hope you'll believe that when I'm swollen everywhere."