“She just got so much wetter. You going to come, boss?”
“Hmm-hmm,” I said around Nolan’s dick.
I felt the pressure of Jude’s fingers on my clit and lost control, shuddering around Jude’s cock, then heard him groan with his own release.
“You want me to pull out, sweetheart?” Nolan asked.
I clamped my mouth onto him to send a message: the last thing I wanted was for Nolan to pull his dick out of my mouth. I didn’t think through what that meant, which was why I was more surprised than I should have been when his hot semen shot to the back of my throat.
“Spit or swallow, sweetheart,” he grunted. “Up to you.”
I swallowed his warm salty come while tremors continued to wrack my body, the sounds of our fucking echoing off the warm cedar walls of the sauna as we found our release together, Jude groaning with the pleasure of his own release as he continued to drive into me until I went limp on the bench.
Nolan dropped to one side of me while Jude claimed the other side and we sat there, panting and sweating in the heat of the sauna.
“You planned that,” I finally said.
Jude grinned. “Let’s just say we were optimistic.”
I shoved him with my shoulder. “You’re such bastards.”
For the first time, the nickname didn’t fill me with hate.
42
LILAH
We movedfrom the sauna to the hot tub. This time, I didn’t bother with my bathing suit, and I sighed with delight as I sank naked into the warm water. Other than the bath or shower, I’d never been naked in water before, and the sensuality of it sent a shock through my system.
Fresh off sex with Nolan and Jude — at the same time no less — I felt a little like Alice in a perverse kind of Wonderland. While I’d been on my knees saying prayers in my mom’s closet an entire world of pleasure had been waiting for me to discover it.
Did everyone else know it was there? Did they swim naked and sleep with people they liked without thinking about whether they were going to hell? Did they look at themselves naked and feel free to like what they saw?
It was hard to imagine, but I knew it was true. I knew it because even in high school I’d known I was different.
I mean, the religious stuff was obvious, but I hadn’t understood how that part of my life had trickled into literally everything, I hadn’t fully understood I was missing out on fun and dating and sex, because even though I’d wondered aboutthose things — even though some of them had sounded fun, or at least worth exploring — I’d also thought they meant damnation, and no amount of fun seemed worth that.
I’d also thought they meant disappointing my mom. Or worse, God.
I thought about what I’d said to Matt, about how I believed God loved us the way we were, however we were, and I realized I really believed it. I’d felt sick and scared when I’d lived with my mom, forced to hide the things I felt, the things I wanted, even when those things wouldn’t have hurt anyone.
Now I was living with the three men I’d spent the last six years hating, having sex with two of them and fantasies about the third, sitting unashamedly naked in the hot tub with them, and I feltgood.
I felt whole and seen.
I feltreal.
I was doing all the things — feeling all the things — I’d been told were sinful, things I’d been told would make God wrathful, and all I felt was love. Maybe it wasn’t God the way my mom thought of it, but whatever it was — whatever creator or creative force that existed — it was real too.
“Something on your mind, boss?”
I looked up to find Jude studying me from across the hot tub. He and Nolan had both given me space when we’d gotten in the water and I wondered if they’d done it on purpose, if they’d known I needed room to process what had happened between us.
I moved the water with my hands. “Lots of things.”
“Want to talk about it?” Nolan asked.
I thought about my mom and the closet, the endless praying, the fear. Did I want to talk about that with Nolan and Jude? Did I want to tell them?