I obviously couldn’t bring Matt there, not right now.
I sighed and tried to empty my mind, but it wasn’t easy. It was one of the reasons I’d taken up Krav Maga after Locke, the guy who owned my gym, had approached me about joining his class. Despite my desire to avoid Blackwell Falls at all costs, I’d loved going to the Gym (even if the name was unoriginal), but it didn’t turn off the endless loop of fear that had run through my mind in the months right after I’d left home. Away from my mom’s control, from the confines of her religion, the world had felt unexpectedly big and dangerous and my mind had spun with the barrage of stimulus, the sheer number of decisions I had to make, decisions I wasallowedto make.
On the sparring mat, there was no room for thought. It had been terrifying at first, facing down another person, someone who would punch and pull and kick me, someone who wouldcharge me, drive right through me. I’d been aware of my body for the first time,reallyaware of it, of the way it felt to be hit.
The way it felt to hit back.
I was addicted after one sparring session. For the first time in my life, I felt in control of what happened to me. I didn’t have to do what someone else told me to do.
I didn’t have to let things happen to me.
Now my body itched for practice, for the liberation from my mind, which I definitely wasn’t finding lying in a sauna in a house owned by the Blackwell Bastards. Knowing they were close, it was impossible not to think about that night at Brandon Miller’s party, and not just the night itself, but the devastating aftermath.
Why had they done it? Taking the pictures was bad enough but I could understand that at least: a bunch of perverted seventeen-year-old guys fucking around with a drunk girl at a party and taking pics as souvenirs.
Gross but not as unexpected as it should be.
But sending them to practically the entire school? Letting everyone think I’d fucked all three of them?
I still didn’t get it. I’d never even spoken to the Bastards before that night. They’d been so far out of my league they were in another universe, the kind of guys other girls whispered and giggled about in the bathroom, the kind who only dated the prettiest, most popular girls at school.
And I obviously hadn’t been one of those. Not in my second-hand clothes, too afraid of the world — of myself — to even look up.
So why fuck with me? Whyruinme?
Everything that came after was a result of that incident — not the drunk picture-taking session, which I could have gotten over, but the humiliation of knowing everyone had seen me naked. The shame of it had destroyed me, even after I leftBlackwell High to finish school at home, and especially when the guidance counselor told my mom what happened.
My knees still hurt when I thought about the days after when I’d been forced to kneel and pray for hours in the coat closet.
I couldn’t even think about the two years after that. I’d been too young to leave home, and I hadn’t had any money anyway. As much as I’d hated school, it had given me a respite from my mom’s righteous thumb. After my mom withdrew me from Blackwell High, I’d been stuck at home every day with a litany of my sins and the drone of her TV preachers interspersed with her own “Amen.”
It had sent me over the edge. Literally.
I opened my eyes and sat up with a start as the hum of the sauna cut out. My heart raced when I realized the lights were out, the heat gone, but a moment later I realized it was just because the timer had ended.
I took a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart. I was too broke to afford therapy but I knew that PTSD wasn’t always prompted by things that reminded me of my trauma. The truth was, I still didn’t feel safe in the world. I knew I stood a chance at fighting my way out of a bad situation, but the problem was that I was always half waiting for the bad situation, and anything — even something like the sudden cutting of lights — could trick my body into thinking it was about to begin.
I considered starting the timer again, just because the heat felt so good, but decided against it. I felt vulnerable in Jude’s boxers and tank top, now plastered to my sweaty body. Plus I needed to see if Jude had found a charger for my phone so I could check in on my other jobs and see if the roads were clear.
I picked up my towel, stepped out of the sauna — and ran smack into Nolan.
12
NOLAN
I hadn’t plannedto run into her. I just needed to get some of the winter weather gear so we could start blowing a path through the snow to the garage. I knew Lilah felt unsafe in the house with us, and who could blame her? She was like a wounded animal, ready to lash out at any threat.
I got the feeling it wasn’t all bravado either. Lilah Abbott had changed in the years since high school. She was still short, but she was more muscular now, more solid, and there was a fire in her eyes that burned bright as a warning:come close, get burned.
I knew that fire. I’d seen it in Rafe. I just hadn’t expected it from Lilah.
Not that I’d expected to ever run into her again. I’d assumed she’d left Blackwell Falls after she finished being home schooled, and since I made an effort to avoid everyone from town, it was an assumption that had stood until last night, when she’d fallen through the door covered in snow.
This was all the stuff I was thinking when I rounded the corner and almost ran her down outside of sauna.
“Ow! What the…”
I was surprised by the force of her shove. Grabbing her shoulders was instinctual, an effort to keep my own balance as much as one to keep her on her feet.