“But so do you! Why do you think you don’t? Why do you think you have to give everything for me and Chrissy and take nothing for yourself?”
“This isn’t that. It’s not what I’m doing.”
“Oh my god, Cassius,” she groans. “Yes, it is. I know you like Harmon, Cass. Even Chrissy can see it. You like him, and with what you just said, I’m assuming he feels the same way? And what? Did he try to renegotiate or something? You denied it? I know you, Cass, so I know I’m not far off.”
“How can I date him and still have him paying me?”
“Look, I can’t answer that question for you. I can imagine it would feel weird, I get that, but by the way you look right now, I bet you turned him down and didn’t even try to figure it out.”
I have nothing to say to that. Because she’s right. It is what I did. He said we would talk later. It’s already afternoon and I haven’t heard from him yet. There is still plenty of time in the day, but...
I huff an annoyed sound, shaking my head. “It’s messy.”
“Yeah, and? So is our life. You can figure this out, Cassius. And if you two can’t come to an agreement, then you can find another job. We’re good here. We have plenty of time to figure shit out. We lived with nothing, we can manage with what we have now. Don’t ruin something good, a chance at being happy, because you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared.”
“Yes, Cassius, you are. And it’s okay.”
I stare down at my hands for a long time, picking at a hangnail I’ve just noticed, then my gaze goes to the watch he gave me. The one I never take off unless I’m going in the shower. It means more to me than I ever thought it would. I feel her staring at me, her eyes burning into the side of my face.
“I’m scared too. All the time. I’m always worrying, and I hate it. I don’t want to be like that, but guess what? I’m working on it.”
I grab onto her and pull her to me, hugging her tight.
“I love you, Cam. So much. I’m so happy you’re my sister.”
“I love you too, Cass, but you need to fuck off with the self-sabotage shit.”
We get comfortable again, still hugging one another. I have a lot to think about today…
“I invited him over for Chrissy’s birthday,” I admit.
“That’s sweet of you, Cass.”
“He’s really nice. Like… he’s so thoughtful and kind. A little clueless about how we live our lives, but he’s great. You and Chrissy will like him.”
“I’m sure we will. Never doubted it for a second.”
We sit in silence for a short time, and I consider everything she’s said. The way I feel. Things with Harmon. Getting a job. Paying bills.
“What do you think I should do?” I finally ask.
“You need to talk to him about how you two can figure this out, and if you like him as much as I think you do, worst case, you get a regular job. School can wait.”
“It can’t wait, Cammy,” I say, annoyed.
She sits up, looking at me furiously.
“After everything you have sacrificed for us, I am willing to sacrifice this for you. It’s not forever, and it’s not even certain. We can talk about it, like we have been doing, once you talk to him.”
She looks over, glancing down at the couch, then leans across me to grab my phone.
“Call him and tell him you want to talk before I do it.” I raise a brow. “Don’t test me, Cass. I have my period. I will do it.”
“Ahh, so that explains it,” I say with a grin.
She growls at me, and I laugh, taking my phone and getting up. I walk out of the room and hear the TV turn on.