Cammy has wanted to be a nurse for a long time. For as long as I can remember. She said it even before we found out about Chrissy’s diagnosis, or maybe that was around the time. When Chrissy was in the hospital, we went along too because there was no one to watch us. Cammy would play with all the stuff and pretend to check out Chrissy to make her feel better.
I glance at Harmon and think back over the night we had together. Over the last couple of weeks and how much they’ve changed between us.
I have feelings for him; there’s no denying it now. It didn’t happen suddenly, but over the entire period of us being together. Of him showing me kindness, thoughtfulness. Maybe it was a crush at first, but when he started reciprocating, when I knew he was breaking rules for me… that was it. It was more.
Cam and Chrissy were right. I like him. I guess I have for a while. And all of this? It’s amazing. The thought of having a normal life? We have an apartment, I have my sisters, and maybe I have a boyfriend? Though, I will say, calling Harmon my boyfriend would feel weird. Of course, we haven’t gotten to that conversation yet, but it feels like that’s where we're going, right?
Only… we can’t.
I glance back at my phone and re-read Cammy’s messages.
This is her dream. I could help her reach that dream if I keep this job. If I got a regular job, we could manage bills, but billsandschool? How would we pull that off? We couldn’t. Not for a long time. And it’s fucked because in order to make more money to afford the school, we have to go to school to get a degree. But she needs to go. She needs to do this. I don’t think she’ll ever be truly happy until she does. This is her dream.
Cammy is like me, it must be the way we were raised, but we always put other people before ourselves. Is it right? Not really, no, but we love each other, and that’s what you do forfamily. But I’d be lying if I said there was some selfishness in me that wishes I could keep going with this… that for once, I could worry about only me.
I look at Harmon again, sleeping peacefully, and know that I can’t move forward with this. With him. I can’t. I need to keep this job to take care of my family.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Cassius
Harmon’s alarm goes off, waking me. He shuts it off and scoots over to me, putting his arm around my waist and he’s snoring softly again.
I can’t say I’ve ever been a morning or a night person, I’ve just done whatever is needed of me. But I can tell you that if I had to wake up for work right now, it would be difficult to crawl out from his grasp. It’s warm. It’s safe. It’s comfortable.
But his alarm went off, meaning he has somewhere to be. Work, probably. Which means I also need to get up and go. And I should shower before I leave because I’m sure I smell like sex and cum. Not something I want Cammy smelling on me when I get home.
As carefully as I can, I untangle myself from him and slide out of bed.
“I don’t want you to leave,” he grumbles.
“You have work,” I say as I gather my clothes from the floor.
“I mean at all,” he says, which has me freezing, bent over and grabbing my pants. My heart stops but then pounds harder.
All I can think about are Cammy’s texts and how amazing last night was… but I can’t have both. Why did I think I could have both? Why did I think I could have this perfect life? It’s not meant for me.
Some people get perfect lives. Some people don’t. It’s that simple.
And the only way I am going to get anything done is by being honest. With myself and with him. Lying will only make this hurt more.
I turn to face him with my clothes gathered in my arms and trying not to feel weird over the fact I’m naked.
“How are we supposed to do this, Harmon?” He frowns, but I keep going. “I can’t let my family down. I need the money.”
His face turns almost angry as he sits up, eyeing me with a look that’s quite intimidating.
“I’ll give you the money, Cassius. I don’t care about the fucking money.” He gets to his feet and stands in front of me. “I’ll pay for your apartment for a year. Ten, if it’ll help. Hell, I’ll buy the damn building if it’ll make you feel better. I don’t care about my money, I don’t care about my things. All of it meansnothing.” He cups my cheeks, something he does when he’s going to say something serious. I’m not ready for it, but he doesn’t care about that. “Just give this a chance. Please don’t deny me this. Nothing has ever felt so right, and I know you feel it too. We deserve this. Both of us.”
I clear my throat, swallowing past the lump that’s settled there.
“I don’t see how this can work. We’re very different people, and you’re the one who said we couldn’t do this in the first place. You said that, Harmon.”
“I know that,” he says with a firm nod. “And I don’t know what happened, but I… I’m weak. Being with you makes me weak, and it feels too good to let go of.”
“This… it won’t work,” I say, stepping out of his grip. “It’ll be weird. Like you’re paying me for sex. I don’t like that.”
“You said you would do that.”