“Yeah, fine. Uh, will you be okay if I don’t come home tonight?”
“Uh… okay?”
I lower my voice, taking a few steps. “Harmon asked me to stay the night.”
“Oh, well, then I guess you should probably stay. I’ll walk Chrissy—”
“He’s sending a car.”
“A car?”
“Yeah. He said he would send a car when I gave the excuse that I had to bring her to school.”
“Why are you giving him excuses? Isn’t this what you wanted?”
“I never said that.”
“Yeah, but I saw it in your eyes.”
“No, you didn’t,” I growl.
“Whatever you say, Cass. Chrissy and I will be fine. Have fun. Use lots of lube.”
“Cammy!” I hiss.
She cackles then ends the call. I let out a sharp breath, turn around and shrug.
“Let’s go to your place.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Cassius
“I need to be honest with you,” Harmon says the moment we’re in the door.
“Okay.”
He looks devastated; truly concerned over what he’s going to tell me, and I won’t lie—I’m worried.
“I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone—ever. Not even when I was younger. There was this one boy, when I was a teenager. We… messed around a little. It was my first time. My father caught us… and I hid who I was for a long time. He made my life hell, telling me how unmanly I was—in worse words—and went off about how I couldn’t be his son because no son of his would act like that. He threatened to take the company from me, threatened to throw me out on the street… so much. There are… so many awful memories, and I’d be lying if I said they still don’t cross my mind now and again.”
“You know it’s not true,” I say, walking to him. I want to reach out and touch him, but I hesitate. I’m not sure what kind of head space he’s in. I’ve never seen him so worked up before.
“I know that,” he says. “IthinkI know that. I want to believe it, but the trauma… it’s hard to look past, and I’ve forced myself to believe I deserve nothing good when it comes to others because of who I am attracted to. I grew up thinking I could never have a normal life being the way I am, and so I turned to this. And looking back on it all now, I see how messy and messed up it is. And with you… God, with you—” He puts his hand on my cheek. “I see more. I see the ability to have more, and I don’t know what it is about you, Cassius. Whether it be the right time, or if it’s simply you… but you make me want more.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” I ask, my breath coming in harder.
“Yes… no? I don’t know.” He shakes his head, his eyes falling closed as he lets out a breath. “You make me feel crazy. Out of control.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I say simply. “Because I am here and I won’t let you lose yourself.”
“My father was—” he chokes out.
“You arenotyour father,” I say firmly. He frowns. “Harmon, I don’t know your father, other than the few things you’ve said, but even had you said nothing to me about him, I’d say the same thing. You areyou.You’re whoever you want to be, and you can’t keep running away from being him. You just have to be you. And you are a good person. You’re a good man. You’re successful and handsome and kind and thoughtful, andso many other things that I can’t think of right now because my head is spinning.”
“Cassius—”
“It’s true, Harmon. And you’re right about all of this being a mess. We both know that, yet we keep making it messier, but maybe if we stop looking at all the rules and we stop worrying about boundaries and lines and contracts, maybe it won’t be a mess. Maybe we get rid of the things that are making this messy. Maybe we could have something else. Something different… something better.”