But if I wanted more with Maisey, I had to retrain my body.
I had to change what I believed about relationships and expose my heart. Take a risk.Because if I didn’t, and I continued to pursue whatever this was, I’d only end up hurting both of us.
Maisey dropped my hand and tugged her ponytail. “Look. I don’t think this is a good idea.”
It probably wasn’t. Not when I hadn’t figured out how to undo years of bad habits. Not after a night filled with rage and frustration and fear.
“I won’t promise to keep my hands to myself.” Her mouth popped open at my comment, and it made me smile for the first time since we’d heard the smashing of her windshield. “But I will tell you I have no intention of making love to you tonight. Not with ugly emotions still clinging to us and you dead on your feet after a fourteen-hour shift and a chase down Main Street. When I touch you, it’s going to be when we’re both firing on all cylinders, have hours to explore each other, and aren’t fighting off panic.”
She bit her lip. “I need to wash up. Get my pajamas.”
“You can use my bathroom. And I’ll grab you a T-shirt.”
She finally let out a laugh, light and soft and utterly Maisey. “Beckett, all of my things are literally down the hall.”
“Humor me, my Maisey-girl. I’m feeling the need to keep you in my sights.”
It wasn’t just about her safety, although that was the most important part. It was also because if I let her out of my sight, I might retreat. I might let the dead parts of my heart take back over.
I opened my closet, pulled a folded Swift Rivers Fire Department tee from my shelf, and handed it to her. “I’ll even let you use the bathroom first,” I told her with a wink.
She didn’t argue. She just grabbed the shirt and disappeared behind the door.
When I’d designed the bathroom suite, I’d put in two vanities and a shower with dual heads, even though I never brought women here. I’d convinced myself that it was for the resale value of the house, except everyone knew I’d never sell this place. Had I always, subconsciously, expected Maisey to be the one to use it with me?
Was this really why I’d always stepped between her and Cleaver or Sweeney, or any of the other men who’d looked at her with desire all but pouring from them? Not because I didn’t think they were worthy of her, but because, somewhere deep inside, I’d been trying to keep her for myself?
I was assaulted by dozens of memories. Happy moments we’d spent tucked together in my treehouse as kids. Frustrating ones when I’d found out she’d put herself out there, and some douche had taken advantage of her. The disappointment I’d felt knowing she was going to the homecoming dance with Carter. Joy when I’d heard she was moving back to Swift Rivers.
The simple truth from last night hit me all over again. I’d always wanted her and simply denied it. Denied us both. I had to stop this ugly cycle. I hadto keep her, or I had to fully let her go so she could find the happily ever after she wanted.
She came out of the bathroom with her cheeks pink and her hair swirling around her breasts, and the beauty of her sliced through me.
And I knew the truth. I could never let her go. I could never handle seeing some other man touching her. Just the thought of it hurt far worse than the lack of oxygen to my lungs ever had.
I wanted to take my T-shirt, that looked damn good on her, toss it to the floor, and show her exactly how she should expect a man to touch her. To give her the passion and sin she said she craved. But I’d meant what I said about not making love to her tonight, even before I’d rewritten our entire lives in a few short breaths.
So instead of wrapping my arms around her and kissing her until she had no breath left, I retreated to the bathroom in an attempt to pull myself together.
When I came out of the bathroom, Maisey had turned off the light, and it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. She was in my king-sized bed, but she’d landed as far over on the right side as she could get without rolling off. And just that simple act, the absolute adorableness that was Maisey, eased the chaos, allowed the swirl in my brain to stop.
As I climbed in on the opposite side, she went stiff as a board, and I simply reached out and pulled her toward the center, spooning her so her back was to my front, and my legs tangled with hers.
The overwhelming rightness of it washed over me like a balm.
Regardless of what had or hadn’t happened before, Maisey belonged here with me now.
I kissed her temple and uttered a guttural, “Sleep good, Maise.”
She squirmed, shifting in my arms as if trying to put some distance between us, and said, “I don’t know how I’m going to sleep like this. You’re like…a thousand degrees.”
It brought a lightness to my heart I needed and allowed me to respond with a tease. “It isn’t just me, darlin’. It’s what happens when we’re together. I’m gasoline, and you’re a lit match, so quit wiggling before we set the whole place on fire.”
She let out a little snort but then seemed to snuggle closer. It didn’t take long for her breath to even out and sleep to take her. It didn’t come so easily for me.
I was still awake, with my nose buried in her hair, reliving more of our past through an altered lens. It wasn’t smoke that haunted me now, but blood. The brutal attack on Maisey’s windshield had ended with Delilah in front of me. And she was a good reminder of the damage relationships couldcause another human being—that I had caused another human being.
All my life, I’d believed love was followed by pain. That relationships did more to destroy than build you up. But I couldn’t start something with Maisey, believing we were going to end up ruining each other.