I tried to school my expression. How did one not look guilty? And how could he read me so easily? “I have never faced a near-death experience. I can see how one would regret a myriad of things. I am glad you survived.”
“A few spoke of jumping ship, but the captain told us to hold strong. My friends and I tried to keep each other’s spirits up and even made a marriage pact. Family seemed to be the only aspect of life we would really miss if we died, so we all agreed to start our own if we returned to England.”
“You must have lost.”
“Actually, I haven’t lost yet.”
“No?”
“I wrote to you half a dozen times after I returned, but I couldn’t bring myself to mail any of the letters. I kept putting off speaking to you, letting my work distract me. The first friend got married this spring, and it was a timely reminder. I knew I had to keep the promise I had made to our family and to myself on that ship.
“That’s why you wrote so suddenly about our marriage.”
He nodded and his mouth curled with amusement. “That and the last one married has to pay the others one hundred pounds each.”
I gasped. “That’s a ghastly amount.”
“Isn’t it? We might be full-grown men, but as you well know from being around me, there is still a bit of a child in each of us. I suppose we wanted accountability . . . and to never forget what really mattered.”
While I did not approve of the bet, or my small, secondary role in it, my respect for Rowan and his friends grew. They could have sought afterriches or positions in Society, but they had all decided to marry and begin families. It was rather refreshing.
“Do you think I’m despicable for waiting so long?” Rowan asked.
“Haven’t I always thought you despicable?” I joked.
He laughed. “I suppose so. And I thought the same of you for a long time. I think . . . I think you reminded me of my mother.”
“Me?”
“She always spoke about you—how pretty you were, how you made her laugh, how you always made her a little present when you visited. I didn’t want any reminders of her. It hurt too much. Being with you hurt too much.”
“I had no idea.” My chest grew heavy.
“Seeing you this time doesn’t feel that way at all. In fact, I’m finally seeing you in all the ways she did.”
I swallowed, the weight on my heart dissipating as rapidly as it had come. Did he really mean that?
His expression grew solemn. “You’re more than a bet to me, Arabella. You do know that, don’t you?”
My words were quiet, barely audible. “Does it matter? We aren’t getting married any longer.”
His face seemed to fall, but then his smile appeared so quickly, it made me question what I had seen. “That’s right. I have granted us both our freedom.”
Without thinking, I set my hand on his that still had my hem between his fingers. “It’s the right thing to do.”
“I know.” He turned his hand under mine and clasped my fingers to his. “Does this mean we can be friends at last?”
My stomach clenched to still the fluttering from his touch. I did not think this was what friends felt like when they held hands. I couldn’t bring myself to speak so I nodded.
His smile was sweet and touched me. “Thank you.” With a squeeze of my fingers, he released me and attempted to stand. I moved quickly to do the same. His foot stepped on my hem, and I flung forward, my hands slapping his chest. My eyes lifted to meet his amused ones.
“Careful, now. Those long legs are forever getting you in trouble.” His hand came up and brushed back a curl that had fallen over my eye andtucked it behind my ear, sending a shiver across my skin. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”
I shook my head, my body paralyzed against his. “I think string bean was your favorite descriptor.”
He clucked his tongue, his hand not leaving my hair. “I could never have called you something so condescending.”
“Do not pretend like you don’t remember.”