Kyle’s brain was a mess for the entire drive back to the city. He liked Eric so much. He wanted to tell him. He wanted to spend the rest of the day and night with him. He wanted to fall in love with him because he knew it wouldn’t take much. Just permission.
“Do you have to work tonight?” Eric asked.
“No, thank god. I’m way too tired for that.”
He glanced over and noticed that Eric’s jaw looked tense. “You’re not ready to face it, are you?” Kyle asked gently.
“Nope.”
When they reached Chelsea, Kyle said, “Why don’t you come up for a bit? We can avoid the real world a little longer.”
Eric seemed to consider the offer, and Kyle could sense the rejection coming.
“We both know what will happen if I go upstairs with you,” Eric said.
“Yeah. I thought—don’t youwantthat to happen?”
Eric’s knuckles were tight on the steering wheel, and his jaw was clenched as he stared straight ahead, avoiding Kyle’s gaze. “It doesn’t matter what I want. We can’t keep doing this.”
Kyle’s heart clenched. “Why?”
“Because I’m not the kind of person who can have sex with a friend and just be cool about it.” He dropped his hands into his lap and looked down at them. “I’m confusing what we’re doing with something...else. Something impossible.”
Kyle swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Impossible?”
Eric finally met his gaze, and Kyle could see tears in his eyes. “If things were different, Kyle—”
“No,” Kyle interrupted, fury welling inside him. “If you’re telling me that you have real feelings for me—that you wantmore—but you think the age difference is too much, then you can stop right now.”
“It’s true, though.”
“I’m not akid.”
“And I’m not right for you, Kyle.”
Kyle shook his head, tears burning his eyes. “Youare.” He may as well admit it. Nothing to lose now. “You’reperfectfor me. Haven’t you noticed how good we are together? It can’t just be me who feels it.”
Eric smiled sadly back at him. “It’s not just you.”
“Well then?” Kyle’s voice broke on the second word.
“I’ll never forgive myself if I let you waste your time on me. Youryouth.”
“Fuck my youth!” It tore out of Kyle, louder than he’d meant it to. “And fuck you for thinking I can’t make my own decisions.”
Eric lowered his head. “I was twenty-four when I married Holly. And sixteen years later we realized we weren’t right for each other.”
“So what? So you shouldn’t try in case one day you change your mind? You think falling in love isn’t worth the risk?”
Eric’s eyes went wide, and a tear spilled out, trailing down his cheek into his beard. “I know you think—”
“Iknow. I don’tthink. I know how I feel about you. I want to be with you Eric. I—”
“You said it would be casual,” Eric said, a tremor of anger in his voice. “You said sex didn’t have to be a big deal. No strings attached, right?”
Kyle sniffed and looked away. “Right. Guess I fucked up.” He put his hand on the door handle. “Again.”
“Kyle...”