I know that all he wants is peace.
And yet again, there’s something threatening that. It makes me angry in a way that almost feels uncontrollable.
Weston doesn’t deserve anything like this.
“I’ll take care of Kieran,” I tell him, keeping my tone even. “I know I’ve never given you any reason to trust me, but I’m going to fucking fix this, Weston.”
He stays looking out the front windshield. “Not everything’s that easy to fix.”
I wish, so fucking deeply in my bones, that I could say he was wrong.
But Weston’s not wrong.
He never is, really.
And as I sit there at a red light I feel a quiet storm taking hold in me.
Why are you so fucking good?I think as I glance over at him, in a way that makes me angry. Angry at the world for all of the bad things that have happened to Wes. Angry at the fact that I was part of that problem, for so long, assuming things about him that were way off-base and making myself his enemy.
I could have had him earlier, and I wasn’t even aware of it.
Is that what I want?
To “have” him?
I feel like I’ve been let off of some invisible leash. After the light turns green I veer over into an empty gas station parking lot at the side of the road, and I throw my Mustang into park.
Wes looks over at me, confused for an instant.
I unbuckle my seat belt and lean over, holding his jaw gently for a moment.
He looks confused, but I don’t explain.
And I let myself look at the blue of his eyes, reflecting in the midmorning sun, before I crush my lips to his. It’s hurried and unexpected, and he gasps softly as I kiss him.
Shouldn’t be doing this, I think idly, somewhere in the back of my mind.
But I pull him as close as I can anyway, in the awkward angle in the front seat of the car, trying to channel everything I feel into a kiss.
I pull back, staying close to his face just for a moment. A little trail of fear coils through me, the same conditioning I’ve had running through my veins for a lifetime.
I have to defuse things.
Have to stay on my own island, like a lone wolf.
“If either of us gets hurt or expelled, then that means I won’t be able to fuck you anymore. We can’t have that, right?” I joke.
It’s a feeble attempt to lighten the mood.
He at least gives me a gentle half-smile, even though I can tell my joke didn’t do much to hide how intense I truly feel.
But as I lean back into the driver’s seat and put my seat belt back on, my head is swirling.
Maybe I’m not actually afraid of anyone getting expelled.
Maybe Iknowthat I can fix this shit between Kieran and Roman, and what I’m actually afraid of is something much more subtle.
I meant those words more than you even realize, Wes.