“Please don’t tell the whole frat. I know they wouldn’t judge, but I just… I don’t want it out there. Okay?”
“Sure. I never hated Sevan like you did, Wes. Seems like a good guy. Tough guy, good guy. If you know what I mean.”
I’m not sure I do know what Roman means.
My stomach is too twisted into knots to pay attention to anything right now.
Roman pats me on the back before turning back toward the table. “Alumni dinner. Study up,” he calls back to me before walking off.
Next timeI walk into Sellwood’s class, Sev isn’t there.
Maybe he called in sick, or maybe he’s playing hooky.
At first it feels like a massive relief to see his class assistant chair empty for the entirety of class. But I can’t help but wonder where he is, more and more, as class goes on.
He hasn’t texted me in two days, either.
Not that he owes me anything.
I slide out my phone and shoot off a quick message.
Not in class today? Too bad. Was going to offer to blow you under the desk.
As I press send, my heart beats a little faster.
It’s not the kind of joke I usually make. Not the kind I should be making to him,ever. But I couldn’t stop myself.
He’s rubbing off on me.
And that feels like a dangerous thing.
But Sevstill isn’t in Sellwood’s class next time, either.
The class meets Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and it’s Friday now.
He also never responded to my last text, and a twisting grip of shame has been eating away at me ever since.
I shouldn’t have sent the text.
And I feel like a fool as I make a vow to myself, sitting there in class paying zero attention to the French Revolution history lesson:I’m not doing anything with Sevan again. No matter how tempting it is. No matter how much I convince myself it’ll just be one more time.
At the root of it, I feel like I’ve been betraying who I really am.
I don’t want anything to do with someone like Sev Berlant. Someone who fucks with me, makes mefeelthings, then drops away like a ghost without even a word.
My frustration only increases throughout the rest of the day.
When I finally meet up with Niko a few hours later at the gym, I can’t help but bring up Sev.
“Your cousin’s been missing in action during class,” I say before hoisting up an intensely heavy barbell over my head.
“Sev went home this week,” Niko says, his face straining into a grimace on the leg press machine. He exhales, then finishes his set. “Went to go be with his mom.”
I drop the barbell. “Did something happen?”
“No. But Sev was worried something might happen. She’s had some issues with painkillers in the past, and apparently her voice sounded a bit suspect over the phone.”
“Fuck.”