At night the living room becomes a game room again, and along with all of the cousins, we take turns trying to beat each other in trivia and racing video games.
In some moments, I feel like I’mpartof it all.
Other times, I feel purely like an observer.
This is what a real family can be like.
And when I see Oliver interacting with his family members, smiling, laughing, hugging new people who come in…
I know that this is what he deserves.
He’s sogood, like this.
Surrounded by warmth.
Love.
And one day, I know he’ll want something like this of his own. The dream he had about me, where we lived together and he saw me out in the backyard pool…
It’s not the kind of life I’ve ever pictured for myself.
I’ve dreamed of being a jet-setting model, flying out for photoshoots in Tokyo, Milan, Paris, or New York. I’ve dreamed of penthouses overlooking glittering cities.
I’ve never thought about anything like this. Because when would any of this be available to me, anyway?
In truth, I’ve always felt like a monster.
Known I’m a monster.
And when I’ve felt like I’m behind a glass cage all my life, manipulated or gaslit or forgotten… how am I supposed to trust anything in the real world?
Christmas is a surreal blur.
I kiss him to sleep that night, knowing that our moments together are limited, at this point.
After the New Year’s party, we’ll be done.
And he’ll be better off without me.
I think we have another week to exist in this little snowglobe, and then I’ll go back to being alone.For one more week, I can hold him like he’s mine.
But the next morning, it becomes clear we won’t have that long.
In one split second, my ugly reality comes shattering back down on us.
It only takes a moment for something good to break.
20
Oliver
Oliver, smiling while leaving a comment, 8:48am today
Username: Hercules2210
Hercules2210:Always knew I was your favorite.
I knowsomething’s wrong the moment I slide into the passenger seat of Niko’s car.