I land on Lily’s playlist for me.She made it last year and I could use it now.
I slam my thumb against play on“Zen as Fuck.”
Soft piano drifts into my ears, followed by some deep, meditative voice telling me to inhale peace and exhale stress.
Breathe in.Breathe out.
Don’t think about Joel Price being naked in your house.
Breathe in.Breathe out.
Don’t think about his arms.His back.His hands?—
I yank the blanket over my head and crank up the volume.
This.This is my life now.
* * *
I don’t remember falling asleep.One second, I’m buried under my blankets, trying to drown out the fact that Joel is naked somewhere in my house, and the next, I’m fourteen again—sitting cross-legged on the floor of my childhood bedroom, my notebook balanced on my knee.
Joel is next to me, his seventeen-year-old self sprawled out lazily with my old acoustic guitar, plucking out chords like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
It always was, for him.
“Okay, what if we tried this?”He strums a few notes, then hums under his breath, testing out different melodies.His brows furrow in concentration, lips pressing together like he’s actually taking this seriously.
Which, honestly, is shocking.
Because when I showed him my lyrics—when I nervously, stupidly, let him peek into my world—I half expected him to laugh.To make some dumb joke.
Instead, he’d read them.Reallyreadthem.
And then, he wanted to help.
Even now, my stomach tightens at the memory of him staring at my notebook, scanning every word, and asking,So, who’s it about?
And me?
I panicked.Obviously.
Because how the hell was I supposed to tell him the truth?
That every single line was abouthim?
That my stupid, ridiculous, massive crush on my brother’s best friend had bled onto the page?
So I lied.
“Just a guy in my class,” I’d mumbled, shrugging way too hard.“No one special.”
I’d felt the lie burning the whole way out.
But he’d bought it.Maybe because he didn’t care to dig too deep.That suited me fine.
And now, here we were, working on the melody together—co-creating a song about him that he didn’t even know was about him.
I watch as he plays through the first verse again, nodding slightly as the melody takes shape.