I smile to myself. A lot of sex, to be honest.
We’ve been open and vulnerable—both emotionally and physically—and I think it’s time to share this with him.
So we have to have that conversation, and there’s one more to come. It’s the one dark cloud that seems to be looming in the background over us. Like there’s an inevitable storm that is destined to come our way, and we’re just here in the sunshine, watching as it approaches from a distance. It’s the kind of storm that isn’t going to go away. It’s going to roll right over the top of us.
It will not only rain but pour.
Just likeI will haveto face The Downforce Network and confess I’m in a relationship with a driver.
I take a breath and exhale, trying to get rid of the unsettling feeling that is creeping into my joyful, happy space.
The Downforce Network could cut me. The public will have their commentary, painting me with whatever brush they think fits. I’m just in a place where my career is taking off. My social media channels are growing at a rapid rate. I have the E. Hay sponsorship. I went to a fitting last week at their headquarters and have a whole suitcase full of beautiful outfits to wear this week. There are more sponsorships on the horizon, too.
But all of that could slip away because I had the nerve to fall for an F1 driver.
I glance over at the monitor behind the check-in counter, with departure for Montreal advertised on the screen. This week, I’m doing tire scraping with the Hoffman team, which will be a fun and informative feature. I also have an interview lined up with Xavier Williams that I’m going to shoot on Wednesday afternoon. I’m super excited about that. I think that will be another milestone moment in my career. I’m also going to create some content for my channels showing Montreal and behind-the-scenes stuff, too.
I love my new life. I love my job. I’m traveling the world covering freaking Formula 1. It’s a dream come true. I also have the excitement of moving not only to a new city, but a new country.
I think about Hadleigh, who seems so stuck in her life, and I know how lucky I am.
Yet I know I could lose all of this because of the man I’m falling in love with.
It scares me. But it’s also frustrating. Catherine wasn’t wrong in what she said in Hampstead that day. I’m not reporting on anything that would be a conflict of interest. I’m interviewingother drivers forOutside the Cockpitand the rest of my work is informational or for F2.
But I know I could still be terminated for it.
I take a sip of my latte. I have to come clean. It’s the one thing that is gnawing at me—when I allow my brain to think about it for more than a second.
Prior to Caleb, I couldn’t imagine being in this position. I would never have entertained dating a driver—or any athlete. I swallow hard. Truth be told, I would have probably judged another reporter for doing what I’m doing.
Dad always told me I would reshape my opinions on things as I grew and had life experiences. He was right. The old me had a very narrow scope as far as my career was concerned, and I’ve learned not everything is simple or black and white.
Sometimes there’s gray.
And I happen to be falling in love with that color.
But when to come clean? I keep trying to work this out in my head, and I can’t find a great answer. Would Caleb freak out if I said I wanted to go to them now? Think I was rushing things? It would just be going to the network—nobody else. I don’t have plans to start seeing him in public yet or walking into the paddock with him like other F1 wives and girlfriends do. But I would feel better if The Downforce Network knew. It would take the guilt that is weighing on me away, and even if they cut me, at least I would know where I stood.
Granted, if they did drop me, there goes my apartment in London and my job. I don’t know where I’d go or end up. Would I have to go back to Miami?
That thought makes me sick. It would devastate me.
But keeping this a secret is starting to make me feel worse, and the stress of trying to hide everything is growing harder every time I go out.
I’ll talk to Caleb about it tonight,I think with determination.
A message drops in from Catherine:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA you should have seen the goofy smile on his face when you sent him that selfie! He’s CRAZY about you.
My heart skips happily inside my chest. It just reminds me again of how lucky I am to have found him. A man who wants to see my face before he leaves on a flight, and even an airport selfie from me can make him smile.
I’m so lucky Caleb not only saw something in me but was determined to pursue it.
What we have is worth the risk.
And I will tell him tonight that I think we should take that next step forward by disclosing our relationship to The Downforce Network.