Or maybe last night was a gift and it’s what needed to happen to open the gate, break the boundary that neither of us has had the courage to cross: Sapphire, too cautious to jeopardize her professional reputation and date a client, and me, too petrified and too fucking scared to tell the first woman I literally can’t stop thinking about how I feel. To tell her I want to kiss her until my dying breath but stop myself from fear that she might leave me too, like everyone eventually does.
I can’t share those things with her, though. I’m a closed book, unlike Sapphire, who feels the need to share every detail of her day, her thoughts and feelings included. And yet, for some reason, I always think about sharing what I’m thinking, but I don’t.
Can’t.
So I sidestep, yet again.
I stare into her beautiful face, memorizing every detail to capture this moment like a snapshot in time as Sapphire grinds her pussy against my cock, looking like a vision from another world, as if I painted her into reality. I want to time and date-stamp this morning in my memory bank to revisit again and again.
My pulse is racing, my throat now even drier than before, my skin slightly clammy, as the intensity between us becomes heated. We both know exactly how today is going to end: with her screaming my name, preferably.
“What do you want, Sapphire?” I ask, and her pussy rubs against my cock again that’s getting harder by the second. Every one of my fantasies is brought to life. Her soft skin, vibrant hair, and striking features are enough to stop time itself as she tightens her thighs on either side of mine.
“You,” she replies with enough confidence to fly to the moon itself.
I fight back a smile. She wants me.
Then she adds, “But if we do this, you and me.” She motions to the space between us. “I can’t make you any promises I have no control over. I can’t predict the future. I don’t know if I’ll get sick. I can’t give you guarantees other than the ones I control, like always being present with you, wanting to discover everything about you—including your mind, your body, your soul, your heart.” She places her soft hand over the spot where my heart is pounding faster than a drum. “I’m curious, I ask questions, I’m a work in progress myself, but I’m not flaky and I never let people down on purpose. When I go all in, I go all in and then some. I talk about my feelings, and I might ask you to talk about yourself. I might even push you more than you are comfortable with to reveal things you’ve been hiding for far too long, all the beautiful parts as well as the things you don’t like as much. I’m an open book, Eli. There are things I can’t change about myself. I won’t. Not for anyone. I am who I am. I’m often unfiltered, a little haphazard, I talk…”
“A lot.” I finish her sentence, admiring her heartfelt honesty and belief in herself.
In court or in the office, I have it under control, but lately, when it comes to matters of the heart, I falter and my mind goes into meltdown, questioning every little detail.
I used to be a cocky bastard, a confident asshole; that was, until Tia chased the sun, leaving me in the shadows. I convinced myself it was the right thing to do, not to go with her, but somewhere along the way, I started to lose faith in myself, in love, and in life, worsening with Dad’s diagnosis.
I want the old me back. The one who doesn’t feel broken. Flawed.
Tilting her head to the side, Sapphire offers me a small smile. “I do talk a lot, Eli. But I talk with passion and spirit, and like it or not that’s me, and I won’t dial back who I am for anyone.”
“I don’t want you to.” Not ever.
“I deserve to be with someone who appreciates and likes me enough not to want to change me.”
I never want to change her. “You’re perfect the way you are.”
“I’m not, none of us are. Perfection is a myth. While you might think I’m perfect as I am, I am… for now, until I grow, learn, fall at one hurdle, but get back up and rise again. I’m always learning and always becoming. More. Better. Striving,” she counters, breaking down the barrier to my heart one small piece at a time. Everything she says makes sense. If only my brain could jump on board with her to believe it.
Her gentle, insightful words hit me hard. She’s right about everything she said. There are many things in life we cannot control. Still, I need it to keep everything in check. While I can’t control the weather or the unpredictability of my father’s illness, the guilt that consumes me is from living my life while he’s withering away in a memory care home. I know that control is an illusion, I know that and understand it, but I can’t seem to grasp how my just-right OCD started after hearing about my father’s sickness. When Jane told me it was stress related, I was confused because I don’t feel stressed. Though Sapphire keeps telling me I look tense all the time, so I must be. I hate that she’s noticed that, and that others might catch on soon too.
Hell, maybe Sapphire is the therapy I need and not actual therapy.
“We can be perfectly imperfect together then,” I suggest, my voice sounding more like a question.
“We can be beautifully flawed together, Eli,” she says in that sweet voice of hers, her mascara smudged under her eyes which are twinkling with mischief.
Desperate to keep her near, I quickly propel myself into a sitting position, chest to chest with her, savoring her presence on my lap, the feel of her in my shirt, and her scent that reminds me of myself.
“You’re beautiful, Sapphire.” I stare at her, basking in every minute of this morning.
“Do you like me, Eli?” she asks, seeking my sober honesty.
“More than I know what to do with or understand myself.” I feel lighter admitting it as I tuck a lock of pink and lavender hair behind her ear; the colors I’ve become obsessed with.
I’ve spent weeks pretending I don’t want this or her, and acting like I’m okay when I’m not. Watching her smile with someone else and hiding the pain I feel every time she laughs but not with me. Now she’s here, looking at me as if I mean something, and that terrifies me. Because if I let her in, she’ll see how truly broken I am.
Sapphire tilts her head, a small, knowing smile brushing her lips. “Unless you push me away, I’m not going anywhere, Eli. Good or bad… it doesn’t matter. We figure it out together.”
I swallow, the lump in my throat making words impossible. My fingers dig a little deeper into her waist to anchor myself.