We lay in quiet contemplation, occasionally pointing out a shooting star. The vibe between us was relaxed and cozy. Even the breeze rustling the leaves and a creepy bird calling out did nothing to scare me. I was with Jake, and I was completely safe.
I turned to look at him, the faint glow of the firelight illuminating the shadows on his face. He had cracked a chink in his armor on the way here, and I was greedy for more. I hadn’t wanted our conversation on the horse to be over, and for the first time, I wondered if Jake hadn’t been ready either.
“What’s been the hardest thing for you since Miranda left?”
“Doing all the damn dishes.”
A laugh bubbled out of me. “You don’t do those enough to warrant complaining.”
We were quiet again, and I realized what he’d done. Jake was hiding again.
“For real, though. Tell me.”
For a long while, he was silent. I was about to call him out for being a chicken when he spoke.
“The knowledge that I screwed up Sophie’s life the same way my dad screwed up mine.”
“What?”
“I spent my whole life so mad at my dad. I used to lie awake at night, dreaming of what I’d say when I saw him again. I promised myself that my kids would never know that kind of life. Ever.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I tried so hard to be nothing like my dad at all growing up, and then I went and married a girl just like him.”
“Jake…” I started to say before he cut me off.
“And I screwed up Sophie’s life the exact same way.”
He held up his hands before I could jump in, once again cutting me off.
“I’m not saying that like it’s up for debate. It’s a fact. She’s going to know all the same pain that I did. All because of me.” The words spat out bitterly. And they just kept coming. “That’s what keeps me up at night. I don’t care about Miranda anymore. I don’t miss her. She’s not coming back, and I’m glad for it. I can handle all of that. I love being Sophie’s dad. But I can’t get over the fact that she’s going to grow up knowing one of her parents chose something else over her.”
After that, we lay there for a long while, each of us contemplating the things Jake had said. The sorrow in his voice. But something didn’t sit right with me.
“You know what I think?” I asked, my voice came out soft as I turned to face him, curled on my side and using my arm as a pillow.
“I’m too scared to ask.”
“I think you’ve been searching for a perfect family ever since your dad left. That’s why you played such a role in getting your friends together. You love the idea of love.”
“That’s a mean thing to say out loud to me.” Jake pretended to look around. “If Logan or Cade heard you, I’d be done for.”
I smiled. “I’m right, though.”
“Debatable. Either way, I botched it.”
“You didn’t botch it.”
Jake made a noise like he didn’t believe me.
“There’s no perfect family, Jake. I grew up without a mom. Remember? The circumstances might have been different, but even you have to admit that I turned out pretty amazing.”
Jake shook his head, but I saw the smile playing on his lips.
“Given anybody a black eye lately?” he asked.
“Nope. And I got asked out.”
He looked over suddenly. “What? Again?”
“No. My date with Easton.”