But it was Jake who held my gaze. Stopped the room. My heart oozed out into a puddle on the floor. His eyes were closed, his lips pressed gently against her cheek, her blonde hair splayed out over them both, a mixture of whispers and shhh’s. His fingers were soothing her skin as he held her tight and told her he loved her, over and over again. Painting the words onto her skin so she might never doubt. Like he had done this very thing a thousand times before.
For the first time all night, I felt like an intruder. I made it back as far as the couch before I sat down again, looking around the cabin with fresh eyes. New eyes.
Something was amiss here.
I should have seen more of the signs. Or perhaps, I’d seen the exact sign Jake had wanted me to see. Wanted everyone to see. A master of distraction. But behind the smiles and the laughs and the bets, was a man working desperately to keep everyone out.
Before I could wonder if I should stay or go, Jake stepped out of Sophie’s room. I eyed him carefully, this time with growing awareness. The exhausted slump of his shoulders, the way he ran his hand through his hair as he softly closed Sophie’s door. Looking up, he seemed almost surprised to see me still here. With a noticeable effort on his part, he smiled my way before he sank onto the couch, this time leaving a few feet between us, his head leaned back, and his eyes closed.
“Didn’t know you’d still be here.”
I swallowed, his voice sending chills down my spine. “Your couch is comfier than mine.”
“I was driving home from Salmon one day, and I saw this couch and the two pillows next to somebody’s garbage. It was a great day.”
I stiffened and peered over at him. “You’re kidding, right?”
No movement. It was almost like he hadn’t heard me.
“Jake?”
The slightest smile crossed his lips, and I threw his pillow at him. It was a terrible throw, glancing off his arm before landing on the floor. He didn’t even open his eyes.
“You call yourself an athlete?”
I opened my mouth to say something back but quickly closed it again when I realized what he had done. What he always did. It was so smooth and easy as to go unnoticed. Making us laugh instead of cry. Bringing us back to comfortable and easy instead of the hard. Telling a joke instead of the truth.
I turned my body so that one side of my head rested against the back of the couch, facing him. The soft glow from the kitchen seeping into the room was our only light.
For such a relaxed pose, he held his body so tightly, as though he was still coming down from whatever he had faced in Sophie’s room. I watched his chest rise and fall with each breath, unable to look away.
“Has Briggs asked you out lately?” he asked, folding his arms across his stomach.
The question hung in the air between us while I gathered my courage.
“Jake?” I whispered.
When I didn’t say anything else, he grunted in question, still not looking at me, but I wasn’t going to continue until he did. Eventually, in the stillness of the moment and a question unanswered, Jake opened his eyes and dragged them to mine.
“Are you okay?”
The words came out of my mouth as soft as a feather, but Jake stiffened as though they had jabbed him with the point of a knife. I held his gaze firm, even though I knew without a shadowof a doubt he wished me miles away. All of his hiding, and I’d caught him. And he knew it.
The room charged to life with a different energy. A thrum and a hum and a buzz where there had been silence. The hum of the fridge. The buzz of a fly by the window. The thrum of my heartbeat pounding into my ears.
He broke our gaze and resumed his position with his arm flopped across his eyes.
“You can’t ask me that, Tuck.” He sank down farther into the couch, a seemingly nonchalant attitude, but I would no longer be fooled.
“Why?”
He swallowed. With his eyes shut, I was able to look at him. Really look. The angle of his tight jaw to the long hair at the top of his head that constantly falls into his eyes, bothering him endlessly. His lips were full and usually quick to laugh, though they weren’t smiling now.
“Soph already has one parent that’s not okay. It can’t be me, too.”
“Can I help…?”
“No.” Jake’s voice was kind but firm, even as he shook his head. “Nope.”