“Because of this.” I wiped my eyes, scoffing. “Because I’m afraid once I start to feel, I won’t be able to stop. I know my feelings aren’t right. They’re not fair. I should be happy for my mom. She grieved for my dad for two years while he was sick. But it’s only been one year since he’s been gone. One. All of a sudden, he’s been replaced. We don’t even talk about him anymore. We were so busy getting ready for him to die that I never got a chance to think about life with him actually being gone. And then, once he was gone, I never got to that place where I was ready for my mom to date again. Where I could accept it. And Iwouldhave gotten there, I know it. But then, five months later, here’s big, loud Russ coming to family dinner and sitting in my dad’s chair. Three months after that, they were married.Thanks for the memories, Dad. We’re done now. Moving on.”
My chest heaved as I felt the tension leave my body. Miles continued to hold me, stroking my hair. Eventually, the tears dried up, leaving me at that awkward place of calm embarrassment.
I had just unloaded my most personal thoughts on a man I had claimed to not like five days earlier. An arm of trust had been extended, and I had yet to find out if that would break me in the end.
I tried pulling out of his embrace, but he held me tight, so I whispered, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone off like that.”
“Have you ever told anybody this stuff?”
There had been so many times I wanted to discuss things with Chloe, but she had so much in her life to distract her—namely, Holly and Ivy. A year earlier, her grief had taken a backseat to teething toddlers and sleepless nights. The addition of Russ to our family actually seemed welcome to her—a relief, even. Having my mom married became one less thing for her to worry about. We’d talked about Russ and the uncomfortable feeling of watching my mom with a new man, but I’d never let myself unleash all my feelings. My own effort at keeping the peace. I’d talked a little bit with Millie at work, but my job was where I wanted to forget and focus on other things.
“No. Can you tell?” My attempt at humor fell flat.
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. I’m sorry for you, too.”
His fingers ran up and down my arm for a few long moments before he said, “For what it’s worth, Russ seems like a decent guy.”
I laughed, the sound bitter to my ears. “He is a decent guy. That’s never been the problem.”
“What is the problem?”
“He’s not my dad.”
Miles nodded.
I drew in a breath, wiped away a rogue tear, and moved out of his arms. “Listen, I know that I need to give Russ a chance. My mom seems happy now, and that’s because of him. My brain knows all of this. I’m a grown woman. I’m not a kid still living at home. But I just…I can’t convince my heart to let my dad go. I can’t move on.”
“Why do you have to let him go to move on?”
I opened my mouth to explain to him how things worked, but the words became scrambled in my mind, like they might not fit as well as they used to.
“I know you’ve spent the last year grieving your dad, and I don’t want to make light of that. But you’ve also spent the last year trying to control your emotions. Even now, you’re telling me how youshouldfeel. That’s bull. Your feelings are what they are. And there’s a reason for it. You don’t need to sugarcoat them. They’re valid.”
“But I need to be an adult about this. I’ve treated Russ like he was invisible for most of the time I’ve been around him.”
“He can handle it.”
My surprised eyes swung his way as a small bit of laughter bubbled out of my throat.
He laughed softly. “I’m not telling you to treat him badly, but Russ seems like a smart guy. I’m assuming he’s divorced or widowed?”
“Widowed. His wife passed away five years ago.”
“Yeah, see? He knows it’s going to take time. I’m sure his kids have had to adjust to your mom being in their lives as well. But you have the right to feel all the emotions you’re feeling without trying to push them away.”
“On paper, I know this. But I feel like I should have things figured out as an adult. I should still be able to function in society and around my family.”
“You have been functioning. But you’ve been grieving at the same time. Eventually, you have to decide to live again. And allow others to do the same thing. You and your family will always be grieving your dad. You’ll always miss what could have been. Whatshouldhave been. But life can come at you fast. Moments don’t last forever. Sometimes we have to take opportunities when they come.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m wondering if that’s what your mom might be doing with Russ.”
My eyes glanced back up to his. “What?”
“She’s picking her moment and choosing to live again.”