I’m worried that Nikolai will be disappointed in me and what that will lead to so I force myself to suck in a breath and stand on my feet. Nikolai steadies me.
“There,” he says. “Are you all right?”
“No,” I answer honestly.
He doesn’t say another word to that. Instead, he only leads me off the dance floor and to our seats. Our guests move onto the dance floor, helping to diffuse the awkward tension in the air from my panic attack.
“Are those common?” Nikolai asks once we’re seated. “You had a panic attack.”
I stare at him in surprise.
He chuckles. “I know what a panic attack is. I’ve been around enough people when they’re at their most afraid. I know panic when I see it.”
When he’s murdered people, I’m assuming. I’m sitting next to a man who has blood on his hands.
At least, I think so. I don’t know for sure.
“Have you killed anyone?” I whisper.
Nikolai gazes down at me steadily, not an ounce of fear in his eyes. “Would anything change if I said yes? If I said no?”
“I could trust you more if you said you haven’t.”
He nods slowly. “Then I want to say I haven’t. But that would be lying.”
I gasp. “You’re really telling me this?”
“You’re my wife now. If I want you to trust me, then I have to trust you. I have to trust that you won’t run to the police and tell them about me.”
“Would you kill me if I did?”
“I’ll never kill you, Irina. But I would have to punish you for that.”
“Punish me?”
“Don’t tell the police about me and you won’t find out. But we have to build trust between each other. This is me taking that first step. I have done what I’ve had to in the past and sometimes that included getting my hands dirty. That is all. I won’t give you details so don’t ask. It’s better for you anyway. Think of this as an olive branch. You can begin to trust me too.”
“How can I trust a man like you?”
“I haven’t raped you. I haven’t hurt you. I will give you a good life. Better than your father ever could.”
“But you also forced me to marry you.”
He shrugs, like it’s no big deal. “You were destined to be mine anyway. I just sped up the process.”
I stare down at my plate. The food on it is getting cold but I can’t eat right now. Not when my stomach is in knots.
Nikolai makes a good point. He revealed a huge secret to me that he didn’t have to. One that puts him in danger. Maybe I should trust him. He did save me from being bought at an auction. He didn’t technically buy me.
He’s not a good man but I don’t have any other options. I have to be smart about this.
“Ok,” I finally say. “I’ll try to… trust you.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
The rest of the party goes smoothly. People dance and drink and eat. Nikolai talks to his other guests and I keep to myself. I just want this day to be over and maybe I’ll wake up from my dream eventually.
That is, until Nikolai tells me it’s time to go.