“Do you? Seriously?”
“If you do not know the answer to that, then neither does the renegade Crow. That is enough, don’t you think?”
13
Alexei
I could not tell if Cam believed I would harm Rocco’s children, and I did not care. If he was reckless enough to ride with a bullet hole in his shoulder, then he deserved to worry about pointless things.
Liar. You hate it when he’s so worried he can’t think straight.
True. But I hated seeing him in pain more, so I had to live with the compromise.
The Kings mounted their bikes. I retreated to mine, threw a leg over it, and peeled away without speaking to them again. I loved Cam, and my bond with Saint had become unbreakable. But as fond as I’d grown of their brothers-in-arms, these men, these foolishboys... their hearts were too loud, and one day it really would get them killed.
I hit the open road, restless energy spiking my blood. It was a long way home to Bristol, and I was glad of it. I needed speed and adrenaline to calm the frustration building in my gut. These Crows needed to die so Cam could live his life in some semblance of peace, but even before I had given him my heart, it would not have been a feat I could manage alone. I was an assassin, not a mass murderer.
An assassin without a master, do not forget that.
As if I could. For the first time in weeks, a pull in my chest made my Russian blood rush faster around my body, reminding me that I was an outsider in Cam’s world. An imposter, if I looked in the eyes of the wrong person.
None of that matters. Anyone he cares about wants you here.
Alone on the road, it did not mean much. It was sick and twisted that I missed the torturous phone calls Cam had saved me from. The reedy ghost my mother had become. Haunting. Fading. But still so loud.
“Come home, Alexei.”
No. I would not. Cam was my home now.
Suddenly, leaving him felt like death. I eased off the throttle, slowing my speed to one that didn’t make my bones vibrate, but allowed the tightness in my chest to spread to my gut. I did not like this feeling. It was stupid to be afraid of intangible things. Intangibleemotion. Because beyond that it was intangible, I did not know what it was that I was afraid of.
You are angry too.I was. But that I understood. Cam should not have ridden his bike. The Crows should not have been foolish enough to do the one thing that would tempt Cam back to war. All of that made sense.
So why did I feel like I was drowning?
I was on a deserted dual-carriageway. I pulled into a lay-by and shut the engine off, quiet descending on me with cartoon abruptness. My hands shook as I tore my helmet off and the stillness around me felt like an impending apocalypse.
It was a state of mind I’d avoided since Cam had thrown my oldest phone out of his car window. Since he’d found me crouched like an animal on my kitchen floor and taken me to bed to rescue me with nothing but his warm arms and steady breaths. It was a strange thing that I loved him so much but hated myself for gifting him that power over me.
It is not power. It is his good and kind heart.
Either way, my skin felt as if not my own and I was glad he did not have to see that again.
The rumble of a powerful motorbike derailed my thoughts. Somehow, I’d come to be sitting on the kerb of the lay-by, head bowed between my knees. I raised it, watching the bike kill its lights and the rider pull off his helmet. My heart knew it wasn’t Cam, but the craving for something—forsomeoneelse propelled me to my feet.
Saint dropped his helmet on the ground and turned to me. He closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me so tight the breath I couldn’t catch was driven from my lungs.
You don’t need it. I’m here.
I did not believe one broken soul could heal another, but as Saint brought his hand to the nape of my neck and his lips to my temple, the gnarled panic inside me retreated, sliding away like a poison tide.
He didn’t speak.
Didn’t kiss me.
But he did not need to. Saint was an army of men in ways he didn’t know. A tower of strength. And in a moment where I felt so weak I’d rather be dead, he kept me alive.
Eyes closed, I took deep breaths of his earthy scent. Rubbed my cheek on his rough jaw. His heart thumped steadily against the palm I slipped under his clothes and an airless laugh escaped me.