Cam
Saint’s departure was abrupt, but it didn’t surprise me. He had limited bandwidth for convoluted conversations. And this one? When our brothers were burning with curiosity over something that so involved him so intimately?
I saw the discomfort creep through him. Saw it manifest in his restless hands and darting gaze. He was tired anyway, but this hurt him, and I couldn’t fucking bear it.
“You gotta leave him alone.” I addressed the table when Saint was gone. “Don’t get in his face about whatever this is.”
Silence greeted me, bemused and brutal. They wanted to understand, but nothing I’d said made any sense to them.
“It’s complicated,” I said around a deep sigh. “And I don’t know where any of it is going.”
Opposite me, Mateo leaned forward. Of them all, he seemed the most interested in the unconventional place my personal life had become. “Are you with them both?”
“I want to be.”
“Are they with each other?”
“I don’t know.”
Mateo reached for his coffee cup. Found it empty and dropped it again. “The Russian—”
“He has a name.”
“I know, boss, but I’m trying to separate your boyfriend from business for a minute and I’m fucking tired.”
My brow ticked up at the edge in Mateo’s rough voice, but I let it go. Embry getting hurt had done something to him perhaps even he didn’t understand yet. “He’s not my boyfriend, but whatever.”
“Is he gonna be your old man?”
“Fuck, I don’t know.” Was he? The thought made me choke on a laugh. Old ladies were an indelible part of MC culture, but the world—our slice of it, at least—had moved on. I didn’t need or want a partner tied down by club rules and traditions. Besides, the notion that Alexei would ever agree to it was fucking ridiculous. “No,” I said when I’d contained the strange emotions bubbling inside. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen, but he ain’t gonna be that.”
“What about Saint? He want the job?”
“Are you fucking crazy?”
Mateo shrugged. “Sometimes.”
Then he paused, and it was a hesitation that seemed to go around the entire table.
I glanced at each of my brothers in turn—three of them, as Embry and Saint were missing—and each man had the same look on his face. The same odd mix of emotions that made my heart warm and my skin crawl at the same time. “What is it?”
Nash averted his gaze.
Rubi opened his mouth. Shut it again.
Once more, Mateo leaned forward, eyes flashing. “I’m just gonna say it cos I’m out of fucks to give if you take my head off my shoulders today—
“Excuse me?”
“Let me finish.”
I waved a hand my only working hand for him to continue.
Mateo held my gaze, unaffected by whatever rage I had left in me. “Cam, there ain’t a man at this table doesn’t know you love Saint. That you have for fucking years. Why is this happening now? Why ain’t you been together all along?”
Air left my lungs. Blood left my body. I felt dead inside, like I had since I’d made a fateful and misguided decision so long ago. Nausea clawed at my insides. There was so much shit I needed to say, to my brothers, and to my family, but all I had right now was the truth. “Because I’m a selfish cunt.”
It wasn’t good enough. Mateo stared, forcing me to elaborate. I closed my eyes, hiding from him, but he didn’t go anywhere. None of them did.