He wasn’t the same man now, though.Now, it seemed a day didn’t pass wheneverythingdidn’t hurt.
Benito dropped his head, and the truth bubbled out of him. “It’s just for a little while, G, I promise.”
“What is?”
“Every terrible thing you think of me. It’s all true, but I’m trying to be a better man. You know that, right?”
Gianna had small hands, with long, slender fingers. She’d always wanted to play the piano, but no one in her life had ever got it together enough to make it happen. She brought her elegant fingers to Benito’s unshaven jaw and compelled him with the sweetest force to look at her. “You are a better man, Beni. Thebest.I don’t care what you do for a job.”
“It’s not a job. It’s fucking criminal, but it’s not forever. I’ll be out soon, I promise.”
“Then what?”
“Then I’ll be a taxi driver for real. All day, every day, and you won’t have to worry about me ever again.”
“What about Mum?”
“What about her?”
“Will you still pay her arrears?”
Benito flinched. “Of course. I don’t use dirty money for that.”
“Then why are you doing it? It’s not for me, is it? I don’t want street money either.”
You shouldn’t even know what that is. But for once, Benito didn’t blame himself. Gianna was old enough to know how things were. “You’ve never touched street money, I swear. It’s not even about that anymore. There’s just some shit I have to do before I can leave.”
“How long?”
“A few weeks? A month maybe?”
“Then you’ll stop?”
“Yes.” Benito took Gianna’s hand from his face and tucked it against his larger palm. “I don’t want this life, G. For me or for you. You know that, right?”
Gianna nodded and burrowed into Benito’s chest for a hug. He held her tight, using her familiar scent to tie himself down to the world, all the while chasing thoughts he couldn’t quite catch. The endgame he’d promised Gianna, combined with the barefaced lie he’d told Mickey, was a mountain he wasn’t fit to climb, and he was more out of his depth than ever. But as long as he held Gianna in his arms, he could breathe.
He felt like crying when she pulled away. “Mum’s got a counsellor coming round on Monday.”
“What? From where?”
“A charity in Wolverton. I think the housing association sent them.”
“Was it Mickey—I mean, the housing officer?”
“I don’t know. But they called Mum’s phone and she answered, so that’s something, right?”
“I guess.” Guilt flamed in Benito’s gut, and the lies he’d told suffocated him a little bit more. The whole time he’d been living a life that had hurt Mickey so badly, Mickey had done more for his family than anyone—including Benito—had in years. “She still has to let them in, though.”
Gianna hissed through her teeth. “Don’t be like that. I think she wants to be better this time. It’s not all her fault.”
“I never said it was.”
“Why are you so hard on her then?”
Because she let your dad stamp on my head until I threw up.“I’m not hard on her, just realistic. She’s been like this for years. It’s going to take more than a phone call to fix it.”
“You’re mean.”