Gus shifted on the bed. “Okay, I don’t remember all of it, but you meant what you said, right? About loving me back? You weren’t just trying to make me feel better—”
I silenced him with a kiss. I’d tell him I loved him all day long if he needed me to, but knowing he remembered even half of our earlier conversation made me fucking giddy. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel better. I really do love you.”
Gus smiled before he sobered again with a frown I was sick of seeing. “I love you too, Billy. I really do. But I can’t get over how much that scares me. I’ve always been like this... I hit a roadblock when I get emotional. It’s like a wall goes up and I can’t see a way round it except the very worst thing, you know?”
“I know it. Have you ever met Luke?”
“I’m not like Luke. He gets there eventually.”
“You don’t?”
Gus shrugged and scrubbed a hand down his face. “I don’t know. I’m not explaining it very well.”
“Shift up then. We might be here awhile.”
“What time is it?”
“Late, but the ward sister said I can stay a bit longer if we’re quiet. She felt bad for me when you slept through visiting hours.”
“Sorry.” Gus moved up so I could perch on the side of his bed. My thigh pressed against his felt amazing, and it was almost enough to distract me from the turmoil clouding his tired gaze.
Almost. Because there was nothing about his pain I could ever ignore.
I bent down and kissed his forehead.
He smiled a little.
Not a lot, but enough to let me know he was okay.
I straightened the tubes on his face. “If you remember me confessing my undying love, I’m hoping you also remember the bit where I told you I’m not going anywhere. I’m so fucking sorry I lost my head over those messages. I’m just so used to the people around me being horrible pieces of shit, I forgot who you were.”
“So you believe me when I tell you I hadn’t been on Grindr for weeks before that all happened?”
“Yeah, but even if you had, that would be okay too. I mean, what were we even doing all that time?”
Gus made a frustrated noise. “Nothing that involved fucking other people. Jesus Christ, Billy. Is it that hard for you to accept you’re enough for me? That you have been from the start?”
Maybe it was. But Gus was the most honest soul I’d ever met, and we’d run out of time for old ghosts to say otherwise. I took his hands and squeezed them. “Okay. But I need you to understand it’s not a choice between you and Luke. If we fuck this up, you’re still stuck with me, because I’m not leaving my brother.”
“What if you and him fuck it up? Would you leave me?”
It was a fair question, and perhaps one that meant more to Gus than anything else. Everyone else had left—his mum, Mia, Luke. Even his wankstain married lover. And I had form for running out on shit I couldn’t handle. I’d done it to him at the first sign of trouble.
I’d done it yesterday when his stubborn silence had pushed me over the edge. If I hadn’t perhaps we’d be having this conversation at home, not in a hospital bed with him attached to tubes and wires and—
“Billy.” Gus gripped my chin. “Wherever you just went, don’t. I just need to know I’m not going to lose you to our combined bad habits. I’m not asking you to change your DNA.”
“I know that. It’s just...”
“What?”
“I can’t help thinking that if I’d stuck around yesterday instead of flouncing home on the bus, none of this would’ve happened. And that’s me being kind to myself. If I hadn’t been a dick a week ago, I’m even more sure you wouldn’t be lying in this bed.”
Gus snorted. “If we’re playing that game, how about if I hadn’t spent all week sulking, I wouldn’t have stayed late last night, and you wouldn’t have had to come back for me. You got hurt too, and that was my fault.”
“It wasn’t.”
“It really was. I’ve felt sick for days. Maybe if I hadn’t been stuck in my feelings I’d have realised something was wrong sooner.”