“Super.”
Toby rolled his eyes. “They were saying you were amazing for putting yourself back together better than they ever could themselves.”
I stopped walking and leaned on the gate that would take us away from the farm. “That was very sweet of them, but some days I’m not all that together. I can literally smell Joe’s blood and it’s making me want to die.”
“That’s no reason I can’t love you.”
“What?”
Toby scowled, his face reddened, but with anger, not the beautiful flush I’d become so addicted to. “You heard me, so don’t put Ella between us, or that you’re the only bloke I’ve ever been with, or that you’re not perfectly fucking perfect. It’s not fair. You’re important to me. You’re not a daddy kink or a life experience on my bucket list, and if you can’t understand that, you’re the most pig-headed idiot I’ve ever met.”
“I’ve never denied being an idiot, mate. I’m just trying to tell you I love you too.”
It was his turn to blink. “You what?”
“I said, I love you too. I don’t know what the hell we’re supposed to do with it, but I’m done hiding from it. What happened to Joe today... fuck.” I shivered. “I don’t want to die one day without you knowing how I feel about you.”
Toby crowded me against the gate. “Don’t joke about stuff like that.”
“I’m not. I mean it. All of it.”
“You do?”
I slid my hands up his neck and into his inky-dark hair. Then I kissed him with every ounce of myself I had left. I poured everything into crushing his lips with mine and hoped to god he believed me.
Toby kissed me back, then he pulled away, breathless. “What are we going to do?”
I stared at him, as lost now as I had been the day I met him, but anchored in the knowledge that perhaps I was finally home. “I don’t know. But whatever it is, I’m gonna try my best not to fuck it up.”
Toby smiled. “Me too.”
Epilogue
Cole
Eight months later
Cornish winters were bitter, but there was something about the grey skies and vicious winds that brought me to life. Didn’t stop me feeling sorry for Toby as he tramped around in the cold mud, though. Or worrying that he’d catch pneumonia and die. He didn’t, of course. He was hardy and strong, and harsh frosty days were his normal.
He’d become my normal too. It was a rare night he didn’t spend in my bed, whether Ella was there or not. And when she was, I’d got better at not freaking out over how much they liked each other. How I felt about Toby seemed to be permanent, and trusting it was getting easier.
“Did you two knock out back there?”
I jerked my head away from the horsebox window. Harry was smiling from the front seat while Joe drove. Toby was beside me, leaning on my shoulder, as asleep as I’d ever seen him. “Not me. How far away is this beach?”
“Another five minutes. Told you it wasn’t far.”
They had, but looking at Toby, you’d have thought we’d been crammed into the back row of the horsebox for hours, not all of twelve minutes.
I nudged him.
He didn’t move.
And I loved that almost as much as I loved him. That he was so able to slide away from the outside world into a slumber deep enough for his head to loll back on the seat.
From the front, Joe snorted, watching us through the rear-view mirror. “He’s always been the same. I found him snoozing on a hay bale once smack bang in the middle of the field. It was raining too. Little shit didn’t even notice.”
“I heard that,” Toby said sleepily. “You want me to tell Harry all the things you got up to before he was around?”