Careful not to disturb him, I got up and found the tiny bathroom attached to the bedroom he called home. It was ridiculously clean, devoid of the toy ducks and baby shampoo that littered mine, but it smelt of Toby enough that I missed him for the two and a half minutes we were apart.
I crept back to bed. He’d rolled onto his back. I found my place beside him and laid my head on his chest. He mumbled sleepily and wrapped his arms around me, and I closed my eyes to the rush of warmth that swept over me. I had no clue where we’d go from here, but if tonight was all we had, I’d take it.
Toby’s place was even quieter than the farm, but it took me a while to fall asleep. The booze we’d sunk had long ago worn off, and my body was on fire. Every inch of skin sizzled where he’d touched me, and despite the most obliterating orgasm I’d ever had, I ached for more.
In the darkness, I traced random patterns on his bare abdomen and imagined throwing a leg over his waist, straddling him, and waking him up in the best way possible. Or taking him in my mouth so he’d come round to find himself on the brink of shooting down my throat.
Both options held enough appeal for my dick to come back to life. Only the fact that Toby had to work at the arsecrack of dawn kept me still, and without mind-blowing sex to distract me, my thoughts began to wander. But for once, not in the worst way. Anxiety was my constant companion, but tonight something had shifted between me and Toby. Or maybe it was just me. I’d always known how he felt—as hard as he’d tried to hide it. But now my own feelings were impossible to ignore. I couldn’t fathom how I’d done it for so long. The weeks and weeks of pretending he wasn’t the second most important thing in my life. It made no fucking sense, and perhaps I was still drunk after all. But I was done living in a make-believe world where my skipped heartbeats and cheek-aching smiles didn’t mean anything.
To me, Toby was joy, and I wanted that. I needed it.
I needed him.
What about what he needs, though? Doesn’t matter how you feel, you’re still a grumpy city boy with a kid.
But it did matter. Toby was an adult who made good decisions. His own decisions. I didn’t get to tell him he couldn’t want me. That he couldn’t enjoy Ella as much as he wanted to and still screw me blind every night.
I just needed him to wake up so I could tell him so.
Shame I fell asleep long before that happened.
And when I woke up, I was alone. I knew it before I even opened my eyes in the unfamiliar bed that smelt of sex and hay.
Groaning, I rolled into an empty space and a cold pillow. I was naked still, and shivering, as at some point in my solitary lie in, I’d kicked the duvet to the floor.
I sat up, a faint headache my only reward for sinking too many plastic cups of cider and rum. The rest of me hurt too, but it was a pleasurable pain, and I didn’t fight the flashbacks that came to me as I surveyed Toby’s bedroom. My only regret was that I wished we’d figured out sooner that fucking me was something he wanted so much. Though, the parts of my brain that weren’t ruled by my dick knew why we hadn’t. And in the cool early morning, it was clear as day that it wasn’t just Toby who hadn’t been ready.
Fuck, if I’deverbeen ready for what Toby had done to me last night.
I wasn’t ready for the neat pile he’d made of my carelessly discarded clothes either, or the pencil-drawn map he’d left to help me get back to the farm. I dressed in threads that stank of old beer and weed smoke, then sat on the edge of his bed, entranced by the map. There were no words to guide me, just arrows tracing a path across fields and past the super detailed sketch of his favourite tree. It was a masterpiece even an idiot like me could decipher.
The late summer sun had forgotten itself and was blazing like the very best days of the year had just begun.
I left Toby’s room and followed his directions across George’s smallholding. There didn’t seem to be anyone around, and given the state of my clothes, I was glad of it. The walk of shame didn’t bother me. At this point, I was pretty sure the whole farm knew about me and Toby, and that didn’t bother me either.
The only thing that prickled at me was his absence.Idiot. He’s gone to work. And he left you a fucking map to find your way back to him. That was the romantic way of looking at it, at least. The reality was he likely knew I was too much of a numpty to find my way back to my own place. But then, my take on reality had always been cynical.
Toby’s map took me back to the farm. His drawings had left out the parts about scaling rickety fences, but the walk was the best hangover cure I could’ve asked for. I reached the cottage and dipped straight in the shower. Washing Toby from my skin felt like sacrilege, but the stale beer stink had to go.
Clean clothes and a plate of toast called my name, then I left the cottage again in search of Toby. I had afternoon classes to teach and a bunch of work to do after, but even if he was up to his elbows in horse shit, I just needed to see him before I returned to the real world.
Sod’s law, though, he was nowhere to be found. I searched every place I could think of, even the tree by Shadow’s field that I’d already passed that morning.
Joe was riding the big horse, and the sight of them was something worth watching. Both dark and moody, they made a hell of a pair, particularly as they both seemed to be giving each other a hard time. Joe worked Shadow around the field, taking jumps that terrified me and fighting the horse at every turn. I couldn’t tell who was winning.
At Toby’s favourite tree, I pulled out my phone to text him, but as Joe and Shadow thundered past me, I finally saw him, leaning on the opposite gate, as bewitched by the stormy horse and his rider as I was.
His wistful expression made me smile. And made me curious. I’d never seen Toby ride, and I wanted to—I wanted to see where those strong, gripping thighs came from.
Dirty bastard.
Yup. I had no shame.
I stepped out of the shelter of the tree. Toby hadn’t seen me yet, and I was glad of it. It gave me more time to gaze at him without being caught. But as the sun obscured my vision, something in the field changed. A furious horse cry pierced the air. Shadow landed a jump, then bucked hard, dislodging Joe from the saddle as he galloped past Toby.
Joe flew over the horse’s head.
He hit the fence with a brutal crack.