Rhys offered it to Cole. He waved it away, and Rhys smirked, like the old friend to Cole he was. Sometimes I forgot Harry and Rhys had known him before he’d become the sole subject of my non-horse related thoughts. That they’d all lived a lifetime in the city before they’d come to the farm. Sober me had learned not to think too hard about what that meant, but drunk me couldn’t help returning to wondering if Cole had been close enough to Rhys that they’d slept together. Rhys slept with lots of his friends. Or at least, that’s how it had seemed to me after years of overheard conversations, heated smirks, and aborted sentences. And who wouldn’t want to sleep with Cole?
I did. And he wasmyfriend.
Cole got up and went to the bar with Rhys, leaving me and my meandering thoughts alone with Joe and Harry. Joe migrated to Harry’s lap. Harry kissed his cheek and whispered something that made Joe’s sharp edges soften. For a long time, I’d thought the pang in my chest every time I saw them like this meant my crush on Joe had morphed into something far worse, but as I’d got older, I’d realised it wasn’t Joe I longed for. It was the easy, soul-deep love he shared with Harry. I wanted it for myself, not from him, but god, I wanted it.
Rhys and Cole came back. Cole reclaimed his place next to me but kept his arm to himself. Subdued, I turned to Rhys and took the cider he passed my way. He offered me a drunken grin. “Stop eyeing up my brother.”
I snorted. “As if you wouldn’t jump on Joe if he wasn’t your brother-in-law.”
Rhys let out a belly laugh that was one of my favourite things about him. “Can you imagine the carnage? It’s why I never hooked up with Cole. Those moody fuckers are better off with my brother.”
It took a moment for my brain to compute. I glanced between Cole and Harry, catching them at a moment when they happened to be speaking to each other while Joe rolled another smoke. Harry had his big hand on Cole’s shoulder, and his larger frame loomed over Cole as he grinned and said something that made Cole laugh.
I loved it when Cole laughed, and somehow I’d convinced myself that he laughed only for me.You fucking idiot. They’re friends. That apparently fucked.
Brilliant.
My inner monologue was garbled and weighed down by heavy food and too much booze, but as Harry and Cole continued to share easy banter and conversation, jealousy burned a path to my gut. Gentle Harry was my hero as much as Joe. I’d never met anyone as kind and selfless. But I wanted to rip his hand from Cole and shove it down his throat.
Because it wasn’t bad enough that he shared a history with Cole that I’d never had; IknewHarry didn’t bottom,ever, not even with Joe, his husband of half a decade.
And that left me with the certainty that Cole did. Just not for me.
* * *
Cole
I hadn’t been this happily drunk for a long time, but the buzz faded as the mammoth burger I’d consumed in ten seconds flat ate into the cider and rum lacing my bloodstream.
Or maybe it was my Toby-fuelled haze that was fading. He’d shifted away from me since we’d had company, and the set of his jaw made me think something was bothering him. Or maybe that his aches and pains from the beach had returned.
I wanted to touch him. To put my hands on his shoulders and massage the tension away. I wanted to kiss him again and press up against him in a sweaty dance tent and pretend the real world didn’t exist.
Until half the farm had joined us, it had been an easy thing to do. Now Rhys was shooting me weird looks, and I hadn’t had my Toby fix in a full half hour.
Toby and Joe wandered off to speak to whoever had provided the festival wristbands. Harry’s gaze naturally followed his husband, but Rhys rolled closer to me, landing in a pile of limbs at my feet. “You’re a mess,” I said.
“What do you expect when I’m the only one here without a minder to keep me in check?”
“Where’s your fella? Still in Greece?”
“Back next week.”
“Aw, are you lonely?”
“Yes.”
Rhys closed his eyes, and I let him be, shaking my head. All this time, I’d convinced myself it was me who couldn’t hold my shit together because I couldn’t do his job, I’d forgotten what a wreck he was when he partied too hard.
I figured he’d dozed off, but I glanced down at him a little while later to find him frowning up at me. “What’s on your mind, dickhead?”
He frowned harder. “I can’t remember. Oh fuck, yes I can. I accidentally might have told Toby you slept with Harry.”
“What? Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s an idiot,” Harry said with a sigh. “I wondered why Toby was looking at me like he wanted to kill me. Jesus, Rhys. Is this what happens every time Jevon goes away?”
Rhys winced. “It’s the weed. Haven’t touched that stuff in years. Forgot it made me ramble like an idiot. I’m sorry, Cole. I didn’t mean to piss Toby off.”