I sat up sharply. “Don’t be like that. I don’t talk about my family to anyone. It’s not you.”
“I know that. I’m just—”
“Just what?”
“I—” There was noise at Toby’s end, cutting him off. The line crackled, and for a moment, I thought he’d gone. Then he came back with another heavy sigh. “Look, I’ve got to go. We’re about to lose a horse. But I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to be a needy bitch when you’ve got other shit on your mind.”
“You’re not a needy bitch. Youaremy friend.”
“Am I?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry about the horse. I’ll be home as soon as I can, okay?”
Toby laughed without humour. “For what?”
“To be home. I don’t know where you think I am, mate, but this place isn’t it.”
“I’m sorry, Cole.”
He hung up before I could tell him I was sorry too.
I dropped my phone on the bed and let out a breath that felt like I’d held it for a thousand years. Something drained from me, though I couldn’t say what. Toby’s voice had been a balm to my soul, but what about his? He loved every horse on that farm with his whole heart. Losing one had hurt him already, and it hadn’t even happened yet.
I need to be with him.
I felt it in every facet of myself. But the question remained, did he need me?
In the alternate reality I seemed to live in whenever he was close, I wanted to believe that he did. That I had something—anything—within me to make him feel as comforted as he did me. But as hard as I looked, I couldn’t find it.
So I didn’t go home.
I lay back down on the king-size bed in my dad’s obnoxious house and finally fell asleep.
16
Toby
Cole was gone for six days, and summer seemed to fade while he was gone. The weaker beach pony died, and just when we thought the other would survive, she died too.
Joe didn’t take it well. He worked like a dog, leaving no distractions for the rest of us, and without Cole to keep me company, I was lost.
By Friday afternoon, I felt only relief when Harry manhandled Joe into the house and locked the doors. There wasn’t much left to do, but I found jobs to keep me busy, and when Joe didn’t reappear in the evening, I sent everyone else home and immersed myself in bringing the horses in and bedding them down for the night.
By nightfall, I was tired enough that I’d almost forgotten the sight of the lorry loading up the last dead pony to take her away.
Almost.
It was still on my mind enough that I didn’t want to leave the farm, but with the house shut up for the night, and no lights on in Angelo and Dylan’s bungalow so I couldn’t hang out with them either, I didn’t really have much choice.
But still, I lingered.
I untangled tack, loaded the feed stores, and filled water buckets for the next morning. Then I swept the yard, collected the eggs, and locked the chicken house. I brought the eggs to the house so Angelo wouldn’t have to fetch them in the morning and stacked them on the doorstep. The upstairs window was open. A deep groan let me know Harry was distracting Joe the way only he could, and I took it as my cue to be somewhere else.
Somewhere where I seemed to be the only one going to bed alone.
The easiest solution to that was not to go to bed. But I wasn’t like Cole. I couldn’t function without sleep for days at a time and missing him already had me walking around like a zombie.
I took a last lap of the farm, checking gates I’d already checked and looking in on horses who grunted at me to go away. Shadow had refused to come in. He was in the top field, calling to the foxes screaming in the distance. I watched him a while, then the rumble of an approaching vehicle caught my attention. It was nearly midnight, and Joe was already home. No one else came and went late at night.