Don’t panic. I have Ella. We’re feeding the donkeys. Sleep as long as you need. T x
One by one, the words sank in and fit together to form a mantra that repeated over and over until my heart rate slowed.She’s fine, she’s with Toby. She’s fine, she’s with Toby. She’s fine, she’s with Toby.
Anxiety drained from me. I leaned hard on the playpen, sucking in a deep breath and letting it out with slow, conscious thought.
I straightened up and stretched my arms over my head. It felt good to move. I scooped my abs in and dropped forwards, pressing my hands to the floor before rolling upright again, stacking my spine back into place after my curled-up snooze on the couch.
The spilt tea had stopped its march across the hardwood floor. Feeling halfway human again, I dipped into the kitchen for a cloth. Another undrunk tea was on the counter next to a branch of cherry blossom from the tree outside. I picked up the blossom and sniffed it, and for some reason, Toby filled my senses. Sweet and pure. Warmth spread through my chest. I yawned hard enough to make my jaw crack and longed for Ella. But I yearned for him too.
I washed my face in the kitchen sink and dried it with a tea towel. Then I stamped into my shoes and left the house.
The stable yard was familiar enough to me that I could find my way to the main house, but the rest of it was brand new. It took me a while to locate the donkeys. They were round the back, in a separate paddock with their own little house and a legit actual manger. And they were far smaller than the giant horses I saw Toby leading around the farm whenever I happened to spy him through the floor to ceiling windows of the Pilates studios. Which was all the time, obviously, as he never seemed to be in one place for long, and I couldn’t seem to stop searching the horizon for him every time I looked up.
I didn’t have to search for him this time, though. He was by the gate, holding Ella to his chest while she burbled at the nearest donkey. She was as happy as I’d ever seen her with someone else, and more warmth heated my chest. Though it burned that he was so easily amazing with her, I hated that she was stuck with just my miserable self when she came to me. Besides, Toby made me smile too.
He turned his head as the thought crossed my mind. Our eyes locked, and he shifted Ella so she could see me. Her happy gurgle morphed into a screech of delight. I moved fast, before it disturbed the nearby horses, and lifted her from Toby’s outstretched arms. “Hey there, sweetie.”
Ella punched me with her tiny fists and snuggled against me. I held her with one arm and reached for Toby with the other, pulling him close and brushing a kiss to his cheek without stopping to think about what I was doing. “Thank you.”
His smile was shy. “You’re welcome. Do you feel better?”
“I think so. How long was I out?”
“An hour or so. Sorry I took her without asking you, but I figured you needed the rest.”
“I did. And it’s okay. I know she’s safe with you.”
Toby hummed, but before he could speak, Joe appeared at the paddock fence. “Dinner’s up,” he called. “You too, Cole. Don’t make Harry come looking for you again.”
Joe had a sense of humour beneath his surly glare, I was sure of it, but I’d yet to tell the difference between an order and a joke, and he was gone before I worked it out. “I can’t come to dinner. I need to feed Ella.”
Toby extricated himself from the arm I’d forgotten I’d looped around him. “I took one of her bottles into the house earlier in case you didn’t wake up in time. And Harry cooks so much veg, I’d doubt she’d go hungry if she wanted something else.”
“Um...”
“Come on,” Toby coaxed. “It’s only dinner, not a hostage-taking.”
With logic like that, how could I refuse?
I let Toby lead me to the main house and followed him inside. The kitchen was quieter than usual, just Harry, Rhys, and old man George. Rhys took Ella from me while Toby warmed her bottle, and I resisted the urge to check it wasn’t too hot.
He passed the bottle to Rhys just as Joe came inside. Joe washed his hands at the sink, then turned to give Rhys a critical frown as he tried to get Ella to take her bottle. “The fuck are you doing to that baby?”
Rhys gave him a subtle finger. “Think you can do better?”
“I can feed a newborn foal. It can’t be that different.”
In slow motion, or so it seemed to me, grumpy Joe plucked Ella from Rhys’s arms and claimed the seat beside him. He took the bottle, slotted it into Ella’s mouth, and fed her like a champ while everyone except George looked on with wide eyes.
Harry shook his head. “I thought you didn’t like babies?”
Joe shrugged. “I don’t like cats either, but somehow my house is full of them. You want to talk about that?”
Apparently not. Harry turned back to the stove, and Joe went back to expertly feeding my daughter as I looked on and tried to figure out why it didn’t bother me as much as it did when Toby was so good with her. It was so hard to untangle that my head hurt.
Toby came to sit beside me. Under the table, he squeezed my thigh. “Okay?” he mouthed.
I nodded because I was, but still, my mind raced a thousand miles an hour until someone put a plate of real food in front of me and I realised I hadn’t eaten a proper meal since the noodles and handjobs I’d shared with Toby.