“I don’t know what existential means. My dad was just worried I was a bender.”
I laughed. “Wow. I haven’t heard that word in decades.”
“I know, right? I didn’t even know what it meant until years later, and by then, I knew Joe was bisexual, so it didn’t seem that insulting to me, you know? I couldn’t see anything wrong with being like Joe. That’s why I—” Toby pursed his lips and shook his head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”
I sat up more sharply than my sun-drowsed body really wanted to. “Of course it matters, unless it’s something you don’t want me to know.”
“It’s not that, it’s just stupid.”
“Bet it isn’t.”
“Yeah? How much?”
“If it’s stupid, you can kiss me. If it isn’t, I’m going to kiss you.”
“Here?”
I slid out of the van and narrowed the distance between us. “Why not? It’s quiet enough, no one can really see us, but even if they could, these people are your friends, right? Your people? Does it matter if they see you with a man?”
Toby grinned a little. “Probably not. If it did, they’re not my people.”
“Right answer. Now tell me what you think is so stupid.”
Toby set his board aside and wiped his hands on the T-shirt he still wasn’t wearing. “When I first started noticing other boys, I thought it was because I was trying to be like Joe. Or because I fancied him, which I totally did when I was a teenager.”
“You don’t now? I wouldn’t blame you, he’s pretty fucking fine.”
“Soyoufancy him?”
“That’s not what I said.”
Toby rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I get what you’re asking, and no, I don’t feel that way about him anymore. He’s my family, so thinking about him naked makes me want to die these days.”
I laughed, not at Toby, but at his deadpan delivery of something so painfully real. “That makes sense. It’s not something I’ve ever had to deal with. But I think I understand what you’re saying about emulating him too. Sometimes we’re products of our environment, especially the best and the worst parts.”
“The worst part is his temper, and I’m not like that.”
“I know, I wasn’t finished.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, mate. I meant I hadn’t finished the thought process.”
“Have you finished it now?”
I nodded and backed up to the van’s bed, taking Toby with me. I sat down and pulled him between my legs. “All I was going to say was that I don’t believe your sexuality was influenced by his. In my world, it’s always been a spectrum, and we fall where we fall.”
Toby let out a slow breath. His hands twitched as if he wanted to touch me. I wanted to tell him he could, but he needed to work that out on his own. “You know I never told anyone I was bi because I didn’t think I could if I hadn’t been with a dude.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“I know that now, but sometimes I worry that I’ve left it too late. That I have to be who I’ve always been or no one will take me seriously.”
“Define no one. Who do you know that actually thinks like that?”
“Not a single person. It’s all in my head.”
“It’s not stuck in your head, though, because you’ve told me. And for the record, I don’t think it’s stupid at all.”