Apparently I was. “I’ve never been with one. A man, I mean.”
“Have you been with girls?”
“A few. Not for a while, though. And never, uh, all night.”
“Would you in the future if you met a woman you vibed with?”
Jesus. How many times was he going to use that word in this awkward-as-fuck conversation? I shrugged. “Probably. I think I’m bi. Most guys round here are.”
“Doesn’t matter what anyone else is, mate.”
“I know, it’s just hard when everyone around me is so sure of who they are. It scares me.”
It felt so good to finally say it out loud. And so mortifying, I wanted the laminate floor I’d spent a week fitting to swallow me whole.
Cole draped a long arm around my shoulders. I flinched. He chuckled softly. “It’s okay. I’m not going to jump you.”
Disappointment and relief warred in my gut. His warm arm pressed against the nape of my neck set my whole body on fire, but the reality that I had zero clue how to handle the blaze was terrifying. “It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to.”
“Why not? I’ve already let you know I’m feeling a buzz between us. Hooking up would be easy.”
“For you.”
“Yeah. And for you, if we got it right, but I don’t want to get it wrong with you, so it’s probably best I keep my hands to myself.”
I wanted to question how his arm around me went along with keeping his hands to himself, but it felt too good for me to risk him taking it back. So I said nothing. Just leaned into him slightly until the increasing thump of my heart told me it was time to leave.
4
Cole
I spent far too much time worrying about catastrophes that never happened. For reasons I’d never understand, it had escaped me that Ella was eight months old and couldn’t care less where I put her cot, providing I came when she called. She didn’t care that our bags lay still packed by the door or that her blankets were in a heap on my bed instead of folded in the cupboard. Or that there was no food in the fridge except hers, and the paint was still drying in the hallway.
In fact, she didn’t seem to care about anything except the fact that Toby, who I hadn’t seen since he’d fled the cottage two days ago, was coming across the yard. He hadn’t even seen us, and somehow she was gurgling and cooing like she’d spotted her long-lost granddad. How was this even my life?
I shut my car boot. Thethunkdrew Toby’s gaze from the ground. We locked eyes and his widened—clearly, I was the last person he expected to see. But we were caught in a vortex of awkward. He had nowhere to go to avoid us, and neither did we.
Not that I wanted to avoid him. Or him to be uncomfortable around me. The other night had been... something. At any given moment, I lurched from regretting opening my big fat mouth to being glad I knew where he was in his life before I’d done something really fucking stupid. Like suggesting a hook up when it was quite plain he’d never been so much as kissed by a bloke, let alone anything else.
Andfuck, if the thought of kissing him hadn’t haunted my dreams ever since. In a world where my every thought had revolved around Ella since she’d been born, it was startling to be so fixated on someone I barely knew.
Startling, and confusing as hell. Being attracted to men was nothing new for me, but I wasn’t expecting the pinch in my chest every time I saw Toby. Especially as getting up in new feels foranyonewas the last thing I had time for right now.
Ella leaned away from my chest, still happily gurgling. I blinked and realised she was reaching for Toby who was somehow right in front of me and raising his arms in return.
Dazed, I let it happen. Toby lifted her clear of my grasp and dropped her on his hip like he’d done it a thousand times. My descent into the Twilight Zone was complete.
Toby didn’t look at me. He contorted his sweet face into a ridiculous expression for the sole purpose of Ella’s amusement while I watched like an awed spectator. Ella was pretty chill with me and her mum. She’d never enjoyed being passed around, though, and seeing her take to Toby as if she’d known him her whole short life was another strange new thing I was unprepared for.
I took a deep breath, glad I had no shoes on, and forced myself to act like a normal person. “Mornin’. Though I guess it’s afternoon on the farm by now, right?”
Toby’s gaze flickered to me. “Certainly is. But I reckon this little lady has you up with the horses, eh?”
“She’s not so bad. Give her a bottle and she goes back to sleep.”
“Sounds like Joe. Does she eat solids yet?”
“A bit. She’d rather smear it on her head, though.”