By the time I got outside, the ambulance was pulling into the city traffic. I tossed the backpack into my car and set off after it. The hospital was two minutes away, but without blue lights and traffic swerving privileges, I lost sight of the ambulance.
Hospital parking was murder. I swung into a space reserved for electric vehicles and didn’t give a single fuck.
At the desk in A&E, the receptionist could only tell me that Jude had been admitted. She directed me to a seat and told me to wait. It seemed like a lifetime passed before Rae finally appeared.
He collapsed onto the seat beside me, ashen, his hands shaking. “Fuck. That was rough.”
“What happened?”
“He had another one on the way. It wasn’t as bad, but they said it was super dangerous when seizures follow one after the other with no recovery in between.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. They sedated him in the ambulance, but they won’t tell me much more because I’m not a relative and he wasn’t with it enough to tell them they could speak to me.”
“Should we call someone? His mum?”
“No. He won’t want that.”
Given what Jude had told me about his family, it made sense, but the idea of him lying alone in a London A&E department horrified me. I stood and paced around while Rae covered his face with his hands and pulled himself together.
“Did you bring the clothes?” he asked.
I kicked the bag towards him. “Yup.”
“Good. They cut his T-shirt off, but I think I managed to save his shorts.”
“Just as well. I reckon they’re his only pair.”
Rae grinned faintly. “So you do know him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I was wondering if you’re the bloke he met on Grindr that had him so tied up, and I think you are.”
“I never meant to hurt him.”
“I don’t know that you did. He only said he was into someone enough to be worried about it, and I took that to mean he was worried about his own behaviour, not yours.”
I returned to my seat, legs giving way as I sank down. “He didn’t do anything wrong…I was just too messed up to give him what he wanted.”
“What did he want?”
“I don’t know. I never gave him the chance to tell me. Just pushed him away until he walked.”
Rae sighed. “Look, this is a shitty time, and if we were anywhere else, I wouldn’t fucking dream of sticking my nose in, but Jude’s complicated, man. And he’s got a temper like the old bird across the street.”
“Nah, I deserved everything he threw at me.”
“Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fix things.”
“Why do you care? An hour ago you didn’t even know I was queer.”
“I care because in the half decade Jude’s been my friend I’ve never known him get emotionally attached to a living entity that didn’t have scales or feathers. He doesn’t do shit like that.”
I’d spent the last few months craving a conversation like this, one where the snippets of Jude kept coming, filling the crater he’d carved for himself in my heart, but now I was having it, I didn’t know what to do with it. “I don’t deserve that from him.”
“Why not?”