Oblivious, Delilah took my hand. Her tiny palm slotted into mine and for a moment I allowed myself to imagine that we were a real family; Isha, his gorgeous kids, and me.
It was too easy, and the warmth that spread through my chest ran into a brick wall. Isha didn’t need a new family. His ex-wife was his BFF, and I was the noob who sucked his dick and dropped reptiles in his lap. Winner.
Tam led the way to the reptile house.
“We haven’t been here in a few months,” Isha said. “I’m hoping there’s some new stuff to keep Delilah’s attention.”
I gazed around the huge exhibit. “I reckon there will be. They don’t sell their animals, but a collection this big evolves every day.”
“Circle of life?”
“Something like that.”
Tam was already heading towards the venomous snakes at the back. Delilah tugged on my hand. “Can we go see the tortoises?”
“They’re in the Amphibian wing next door,” Isha said. “We’ll go there next.”
Delilah pulled a face. I lifted her onto my hip and gently pinched her cheek. “I can take her? I think I know the bloke who runs the venomous exhibit anyway. Won’t do me any harm to avoid him.”
Isha gaze narrowed. “How do you know him?”
“The reptile world isn’t that big. We’ve, er, come across each other a few times.”
“Literally?”
“Yes.”
“Super.”
Isha strode after Tam without another word. I winced. Sometimes—when I wasn’t lying to Rae, at least—I hated my inability to speak anything other than gospel, but what could I do? Erase my whole life so I didn’t have to drop truth bombs in the middle of London Zoo? It wasn’t my fault Isha had explored his sexuality in the dark.
I took Delilah to see the amphibians. As always, she enchanted me, but I sensed Isha’s piercing gaze on me the whole time, despite the fact that he was in a different building. I’d spent my train ride to London believing today would be uncomplicated, light, even, but perhaps I’d been wrong. My relationship with Isha was painfully complex, and no amount of Delilah’s captivating company could mask that.
We wound up by the salamanders. It was busy, so I found a quiet corner where we could sit on the floor and observe in relative peace.
Delilah dropped into my lap. “Daddy doesn’t let us sit on the floor.”
“Uh-huh. Sure it’s not that you don’t want to get a cold bum?”
She giggled. “Daddy doesn’t let us say ‘bum’ either.”
“We should probably change the subject then.” I pointed at the nearest tank. “Did you know, I’ve never kept a salamander? Even when I was working at a different zoo, I never looked after any.”
“Which zoo did you work at?”
“Whipsnade. It’s near Thorston.”
“We’ve been there,” Delilah said. “I think. It’s cold there.”
I laughed. “That’s because it’s on a hill. Great for penguins, not so much for the reptiles. Are you a reptile, Delilah? Do you have cold blood?”
I shivered, jiggling her up and down. Her laughter rang out like tinkling bells, and the energy between me and her father crackled, though he was still nowhere in sight. I didn’t want to be Delilah’s parent, fuck no, I didn’t need that. But God, I wanted to be something. To her, to Tam, to Isha.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I focussed on a striking black and yellow salamander. “Okay, how about this…did you know that salamanders have perfect regeneration if they lose their tails?”
Delilah frowned as she computed the big words. “Like leopard geckos?”
“No, better than that. Remember how we learned that leopard geckos drop their tails if they get frightened or threatened, but they can grow it back if you give them proper care?”