Jude:Shaqueela thinks I had a seizure in your car. I’m really fucking sorry.
Twelve
Isha
The girl in the shop had told me Jude needed to rest. I let his message sit all night before I called him the next morning. “What the fuck are you sorry for?”
“Um…” Jude coughed, and there was rustling at his end.
Fuck, did I wake him up?
Guilt surged a path through me, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret the call. A thousand emotions had battered me yesterday, but none more than the panic I’d felt when I’d glanced over at Jude to see him caught in what I now knew was some kind of seizure. His eyes had been screwed shut, but his obvious distress, even if it had been unconscious, had cut me to the bone.
Jude cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I had a seizure in your car when you already had better things to do than be on a snake rescue mission.”
“If I’d had better things to do, you wouldn’t have been in my car in the first place—fuck, hang on.” Delilah shuffled into the kitchen, thumb in her mouth, dragging a blanket behind her. I plucked her thumb free and pointed at the lowest cabinet. “Coco Pops in there, baby girl. Help yourself.”
I watched her safely claim a plastic bowl and spoon, then turned my attention back to Jude. “Sorry. Delilah’s up. Listen, I gotta go, but whatever it is you’re thinking, don’t. The only reason I called is because I was worried about you. There’s nothing you need to apologise for.”
I hung up before he could answer, dropping my phone onto the counter with a clatter, my heart beating out of my chest the way it only ever did when I had Jude on my mind.
Delilah eyed me over the top of the milk bottle. “What’s the matter, Daddy?”
“Nothing, D.”
“Who were you talking to?”
“Jude.”
“Snake Jude?”
Damn it. It had only been a few days since she’d stopped talking about him. “Eat your breakfast.”
“Why did Jude make you cross?”
“I’m not cross.”
“Yes, you are. You only throw your phone when you’re cross or when your daddy died.”
Delilah was straight talking, like her mother. I picked up the phone. Put it down again. “I wasn’t cross, baby, I was worried. Jude was poorly yesterday, but he’s okay now.”
But was he? I hadn’t asked during my clusterfuck of a phone call.
I opened WhatsApp and sent a message before I could think about it too much.
Isha:Sorry I’m shit at peopling. I just wanted to know you were okay.
Jude:I’m okay. I went to bed at 6pm last night and slept for twelve hours. Thank you for asking x
Dom had put a kiss at the end of a message he’d sent me once. At the time, logic had told me he was in the middle of a virtual conversation with Lucky too, and he hadn’t even realised he’d done it, but I’d fixated on it anyway, letting my imagination take me to a place where a man would send me messages like the ones Lucky sent him.
Chances were, it was a slip on Jude’s part too, but I couldn’t stop staring at it. Delilah brought her bowl to where I was standing. I lifted her onto the countertop and lost myself briefly in her soulful eyes.
Fuck it.
Isha:I had to ask. I don’t know why, but I did. Call me if you need anything x
The message hurtled into cyberspace and I put my phone face down on the counter. Jude wouldn’t call. Why would he, when aside from the fact that he’d never called me in his life, I’d all but rejected any further interaction with him that didn’t involve my kids? Not that I’d been certain what else he was offering. Post-seizure Jude hadn’t made much sense. Perhaps he wouldn’t remember that I’d clammed up like a freak and walked out on him again.