He put his head in his hands and cried.
* * *
It was dawn when the chopper made it back to London. Rhys drifted home and threw himself into bed, but he wasn’t drunk enough to sleep, and with another shift rolling by in twelve hours’ time, he’d run out of time to fix it.
He lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, his phone dormant on his chest, fingers itching for the scrap of paper that he’d carried everywhere with him since he’d woken alone ten days ago. He gave in almost immediately and retrieved it from his wallet, unfolding it, and holding it up to the light.
Rhys,
I’m sorry I didn’t wake you, but I couldn’t do it. Saying goodbye is wrong, and I don’t want to believe it’s true.
Thank you... for everything, not just the obvious. Leaving you is so hard, but I’m doing it feeling more like myself than I ever have before. I thought knew myself until I met you. Now Iammyself.
I’ll call you from the camp as soon as I can, but it takes a while for my phone to find a connection over there. It might be a couple of days... maybe longer.
I fucking love you, man. For real. Take care of yourself...
Jevon x
Rhys knew the words by now, had committed them to memory that dark morning when the crater in his heart had expanded with every breath. Jevon’s words, and the scent of him on his sheets, had kept him together then—were still keeping him together, but for how long?
He eyed the rum bottle and rolled over, turning his back on it. Jevon’s letter found its way back into his wallet, and Rhys picked up his phone instead. In recent days, he’d found himself calling Joe, particularly if he’d had a skinful, but he called Harry now and closed his eyes when his brother’s voice filled the void Jevon had left behind.
“Hey,” Harry said. “This is early for you. Just getting in or just getting up?”
“Getting in. Trying to sleep, but it’s not happening. Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” A door closed at Harry’s end. “Are you okay?”
“Don’t start.”
“Sorry. Go on.”
Rhys scrubbed a hand down his face. His eyes were scratchy from his shower meltdown, and his head ached with all the tears he’d left behind.Fucking idiot.“How did you know?”
“Know what?”
“That changing your life to be with Joe was the right thing to do? I mean, I know you loved him and all that bollocks, but how did youknow?”
“Are you drunk?”
“Harry.”
“Okay, okay... it’s just not like you to give a fuck about why I’ve done the things I’ve done.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I didn’t mean it in a bad way, bro. Just that you never ask me why. You accept everything I do without question because you believe in me... unless it really is because you don’t care.”
“I care.”
“I know.”
“So...” Rhys banged his head on his pillow. “Are you gonna answer my question or psychoanalyse me?”
“Is this about Jevon?”
“No. It’s about you.”