Rhys shoved his free hand into his hair and tugged brutally on it until Jevon stopped him. “It’s this. Us. I want you so much, but I don’t know how to do any of the stuff that comes next. Or even if you want that, because you’re leaving again soon, and I don’t want to deal with that either.”
“You don’t want to deal with it?”
Rhys shook his head. “Fuck. That’s not what I meant.”
“Right.” Jevon had a sinking feeling that he knew where this was going, but the distress in Rhys’s face didn’t match up with ditching someone because they were too much hassle. Jevon didn’t know much about making men come, but he recognised imploding self-esteem like he knew his own mother.This isn’t about me.It couldn’t be or everything Jevon had learned about human beings—aboutRhys—didn’t mean jack.
He slid from the bed and onto his knees, inserting himself between Rhys’s legs before Rhys could protest. Their hands were still tightly entwined. Jevon brought them to his lips and kissed Rhys’s knuckles as he tried to put words to what Rhys needed to hear. “You think you’re not good enough.”
It wasn’t quite what he meant to say, but the flicker in Rhys’s dark gaze said it was a start. “I’m not good enough foryou, Jevon. Itoldyou—I want you... I just—I—Fuck.Why is this so hard?”
Jevon had no idea. He held his tongue and Rhys’s hands and willed him to continue.
Rhys took a shaky breath. “I’m not like you. I couldn’t have waited all this time to explore liking men—likinganyone. I’ve fucked so many people I can’t even count them. Am I really the kind of person you want to do this with?”
“You think we should get married first?”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I,” Jevon said gently. “Just because I’ve never been with a dude, doesn’t mean I’m some kind of saint. I’ve been around the block, just not the same block as you.”
“Jevon—”
“Shh. I’m not asking you to sweep me off my feet here, son. I’m not even asking you to sleep with me if it doesn’t pan out.”
“What if it does?”
“Does what?”
“Pan out,” Rhys said. “Then what? I’ve never been emotionally attached to someone I’ve fucked, but it’ll be different with you. Everything is.”
“You can’t have it both ways. Either you’re too cold to ruin my precious little heart or too scared of getting hurt to dive in deep. Which is it?”
“Does it matter at this point?”
Jevon wasn’t altogether sure, and Rhys slut shaming himself was more than he could bear, but Rhys’s phone vibrating gave him a reprieve.
Rhys pulled it out of his pocket and glanced at the screen. Whoever it was made him frown. He silenced the call and tossed the phone aside, shaking his head at Jevon’s questioning frown. “My mate Dylan. I used to hook up with him and his boyfriend in that sex club in Romford.That’swho I am.”
“Even if that’s true, what makes you so sure I’d think it was a bad thing? You don’t think I’d play in a sex club if I had the balls?”
The growing bleakness in Rhys’s face stalled. “What?”
Jevon tapped his fingers on Rhys’s knuckles. “It’s a fair question. And by assuming the answer, you’re putting words in my head that ain’t there. I’m a butt-sex virgin. Not a fucking monk.”
A wild laugh tore out of Rhys. Exploded out of him. Like it was the first emotion to escape and make a mad dash for the exit. “I don’t know what to say.”
“So don’t say anything. I think you’re a fella who needs to talk, but that doesn’t mean the first thing that comes to your mind is the right thing.” Jevon tapped Rhys’s temple. “Just let it be. We can’t change who we are, and I don’t want to.”
* * *
Rhys’s fingers grazed Jevon’s hole. Jevon shivered, his skin jumping beneath Rhys’s touch, like it had done every time his hands had strayed lower than Jevon’s cock.
Most times, Rhys hadn’t lingered, but he did now. “Has anyone...?”
Jevon shook his head. “Never. Not even me.”
Rhys absorbed the information with no comment. His fingers slipped away and he kissed Jevon again, driving his tongue into Jevon’s mouth like he’d been doing for hours now, his hand palming Jevon’s dick, squeezing, twisting, and teasing. Working Jevon up to the point of madness, only to pull back and return to languid kisses that melted Jevon to the bed.