“You might be waiting a while.” Jamie tilted his head so his face was cupped in Marc’s palm. “Sometimes it seems like I’ll be on the verge of an apocalypse for the rest of my life.”
“If that was true, you’d have done something with that tramadol.”
“Nah, I’d have gone down that pub by the lime quarry and scored a bag, and the fact that I didn’t is the only reason I’m still here. You know I wouldn’t be in your life if I was using, don’t you? You’ll know if I fuck up, ’cause you won’t see me for dust.”
Because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone else.All that Jamie had spoken of his friend and one-time lover Zac echoed in Marc’s head, but he pushed it away. Didn’t Jamie understand that they’d fallen too far to hide from each other’s pain? “I keep the tramadol in the house to help me sleep when my invisible leg drives me crazy.”
“Say what?”
“Phantom limb pain. I told you it fucks with my head. I don’t use the meds much, though. It might not touch the sides for you, but it makes me spin until I puke. I hate it.”
Jamie hung his head. “And I’m jealous of that. I miss being high... For so long, it was all I had, and I loved it. I mean, really fucking loved it. When I realised I had to stop, it was like my brother died.”
“Do you have a brother?”
“Yeah, and I don’t love him at all.” Jamie smirked, but it was thin, and laced with defeat.
Fuck this.Marc pulled him close and wrapped him up in the embrace he’d longed to smother him with since the turbulent flight that had thrown them together. “I’m sorry I left the bag upstairs, but I’m glad you found it. It means a lot to me that you’ve told me everything you have. I know I’m not so great at reciprocating.”
“That’s because you’re addicted to listening.” Jamie sniggered at his own joke, his face mashed against Marc’s chest, his laughter seeping into Marc’s tired bones, until he looked up, his eyes bright and clear. “But you share more than you think.”
Marc could believe that. Ten years ago, he’d possessed a stoic mask that his closest friends struggled to see past. Now it seemed that every fucker he crossed paths with saw his weakness. “Are you going to stay here to sleep?”
Jamie snorted. “Nice deflection. And yes, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know if I’ll sleep, cause my head’s a bit—” Jamie twirled his finger at his temple. “I’m not twitching, but I need to do something mega to turn it all off.”
It was moments like these that reminded Marc that the fourteen years between them might as well be fifty. He’d worked with young guys in the field, but Jamie was from another war, and Marc had no idea what he’d just said, even if he understood the sentiment. “Tell you what,” he said. “I’m feeling like I need to get out of dodge for a while too. Give me a couple of hours kip, and then I’ve got a day or so to burn and somewhere I haven’t been for a while. Come with me?”
He expected questions, but Jamie merely nodded and slid down the bed until he was lying on his back, his head slightly propped up on the pillows. Jamie opened his arms and gestured for Marc to rest his head on his chest, scowling when he apparently read Marc’s hesitation for what it was—a fear of the unknown. Marc didn’t lie with people like that... man, woman, brother, lover, they lay withhimon his terms.
But this was Jamie, and Marc had already learned that his heart would betray any dignity that he had left. He was in Jamie’s arms before he truly knew what he was doing, eyes closed and lost to Jamie’s gentle fingers carding through his hair.
He was pretty much asleep when he realised that Jamie hadn’t told him what had been on his mind in the first place.
Thirteen
Marc thumbed through the scant few contacts he bothered to keep on his phone and stopped at the ninth name:Hack. The term still made him grin, even if Connor Regan had proved himself as anything but.
He was also far easier to have a conversation with than Nat, which meant firing off a short text message was less stressful than it might have been.Coming your way later. You around?
Connor’s reply was as quick as Marc had hoped.Course we are. I’m too gay for Army town and Nat hates the whole world.The first part was a fair assessment of Hereford, but before Marc could say as much, Connor sent another message.What time are you landing? Want feeding?
Marc’s thumbs hovered over his phone screen. Passing through unexpectedly for a dinner and couple of beers was pretty much the norm as far as his interactions with Nat and Connor went, but to bring Jamie along was something else entirely. They wouldn’t mind—but how on earth did Marc explain it?
He went with a loose version of the truth.Will be in the area around 4. Got a mate with me. That cool?
And Connor’s response was exactly as he expected:Always. Bring whoever. We’ll be here.
Which meant that all he had to do was drag Jamie out of bed and they could hit the road. Not that he had much desire to leave the warmth Jamie had cocooned him in for most of the morning. Marc had slept like a baby on Jamie’s chest, losing himself to four blissful hours of oblivion. And he’d woken at midday to find that despite his obvious disquiet, Jamie had grabbed a few hours shut-eye of his own, easing the prominent smudges beneath his eyes, and bringing some much-needed colour into his cheeks.
“Who are you talking to?”
“Hmm?” Marc set his phone on the bedside table. “Oh, you’re awake.”
He shouldn’t have been surprised. Jamie’s light sleeping would’ve made him a hell of a soldier. That and a will to survive that any trooper would’ve been proud of.
“So...” Jamie rolled onto his stomach, driving his elbows into the mattress to stretch out his back. “Who were you texting? Another fella?”
“Yeah, but not mine. I was talking to Connor. He lives with my mate Nat in Hereford, and I’m heading down there this afternoon if you still fancy a road trip?”