They dressed in silence. Marc’s sweatpants drowned Jamie, accentuating his narrow waist. Marc was torn between amusement and an ache for him so real his chest hurt.
“Stop staring at me like that,” Jamie said.
“Like what?”
“Like I’m a dog you just ran over. I fell off a ladder, Marc. You didn’t push me.”
Was that how Marc felt? In the too-bright light of the early morning, he had no idea, but he believed Jamie, who’d become a little too adept at reading Marc’s emotions before Marc’s brain caught up.
Marc dug deep and gathered what was left of his coherent thought. “How’s the shoulder? Still hurting?”
“Like a bitch. Can I lie down?”
“Of course... Here.” Marc shoved the duvet aside and helped Jamie into bed, guiding him until he found the most comfortable position for his bruised body, which turned out to be flat on his back. “Try and relax. I can massage your other shoulder if you like. The distraction sometimes helps.”
“You need to sleep.”
“I will when I know you’re as okay as you can be. Humour me?”
Jamie said nothing, merely closed his eyes. Marc got up and drew the curtains, bathing the room in darkness. He sat on the edge of the bed and fumbled with his prosthesis. Jamie’s fingers grazed his back. “You didn’t need to do that in the dark. I’ve already seen it.”
“I know... it’s just—”Just what?Marc had hopped around without his leg in front of dozens of people—friends, colleagues, and everything in between—so what was so different about Jamie? The one person who expected nothing from Marc but what he was now? “It looks a bit strange without the prosthesis. You weren’t really paying attention in the shower.”
“So?”
“So... people think they’re okay with it until they see a ghostly stump, then they freak out.”
“I’m not people,” Jamie said flatly and let his hand drop.
Marc closed his eyes and took a deep breath, clawing his way back from the abyss that removing his leg in bed always sent him. Jamie was a slender guy, but he could take Marc down and keep him there without—Stop it.Marc swallowed a groan and fought the urge to grind his fists into his eyeballs. “Listen, this is my thing, okay? I’m not as fucking together as you think I am.”
“You have no idea what I think of you.”
“No?”
“No. If you did, you’d have flung that leg off hours ago—Shit.”
Marc’s eyes flew open. “What? What is it?”
“Spasm.” Jamie clutched his injured shoulder. “This happened loads before you got home. That’s why I couldn’t leave.”
“I’m glad you didn’t leave.” Marc used his arms to lift himself over Jamie and lie at his side. Without drugs, there was nothing else he could do for Jamie’s injuries that wouldn’t cause further pain, but he could make good on his promise to massage the opposite shoulder in an attempt to spread the relaxation back to the bruised muscles on the other side. “I know things get a bit heavy between us sometimes, but I like having you here. You give me a purpose.”
Jamie opened his eyes as Marc laid his hands on the uninjured side of Jamie’s body. “You don’t need me to give you a purpose. You must have saved thousands of lives since you became a doctor.”
“I’ve watched a lot of people die too.” Marc rubbed deep, soothing circles into Jamie’s arm and shoulder, and tried to absorb the calming motion into his own soul. “A woman died this morning right before I came home. I tried to resuscitate her, but I knew it wouldn’t work, and when I called it, I didn’t feel anything. And that’s worse than grief—at least, it is for me. If you hadn’t been here when I came home, I’d have passed out for a few hours and forgotten all about her.”
“That’s a bad thing?”
“Eventually. You can’t hide from any tragedy forever, even if you truly believe you’re hardened to it.”
“Is that why soldiers get PTSD? Because they put off reacting to all the shit they see?”
“Maybe, though things like that are never so logical.” Marc moved his hands over Jamie’s torso, trying not to lose himself in the pale planes of Jamie’s chest, or give in to nagging worry as he studied his visible ribs.Is he losing weight?Jamie was so naturally slender it was hard to tell, especially when he’d never seen Jamie naked before—he’s not naked now.“Can I ask you something?”
“As long as it doesn’t involve too much thinking to answer. You’re turning my brains to mush here.”
Marc smiled. He could feel Jamie relaxing, but it was nice to hear Jamie confirm it. “I want to know what you were doing when you fell. I thought you finished the top shelves the other day when I was here.”