I did have shit to do. Working for myself was a train I could never get off, but then, Kim knew that better than anyone, and the promise of an evening with him was likely all the motivation I needed to get my arse in gear anytime before midnight. “I can probably get there around eight. That cool?”
“Aye. If I’m late, let yourself in. I never lock up.”
The Londoner in me shuddered, but my parents hadn’t seen their house keys in years, and it was the Porthkennack way to put their trust in the morals of the local criminals. Besides, Kim’s lax security wasn’t the point. Last night had been magical, but in all the heady distraction of topping Kim, I’d neglected to say the one thing he’d likely needed to hear the most. “Kim, I’m sorry.”
He frowned. “What for?”
“For making you feel like shit. I never meant to. It was just, hard, you know? I’d kind of set myself up to be a terminal bachelor, and then I met you, and my brain exploded—”
Kim silenced me with a kiss. “Jas, it’s fine. I get it, I really do. You aren’t the only one who weren’t set up for something like this.”
There was so much more to say, and I wanted to throw myself at his feet, beg his forgiveness for ever making him feel like he wasn’t good enough for the pound-shop commitment I’d offered him so far, but a firmness in his gentle smile silenced me. He clearly didn’t want to hear it.
With a rueful sigh, I kissed his cheek, lingering over his lightly stubbled jaw, breathing in the clean, woody scent that was uniquely him. The booze I’d drunk the night before was long gone, but I still felt drunk . . . drunk on life, on sex, onhim. Only the knowledge that the sooner I left him, the sooner I’d see him again, drove me to haul myself out of the ridiculous pink car.
I watched him disappear into the distance, my chest warmly tight, and the memory of sinking my cock into him abruptly eclipsing everything else that had happened.God.The craving to just be in his company was all-consuming, but the desire to fuck him again was something else—something that I could lose a whole day to if I didn’t get moving. Was it truly so hard to tear myself away from my dirty daydreams?
Apparently so, but I did it anyway. A bucket of coffee called my name, and I spent the rest of the day prepping for my next job and doing the mountain of admin I’d been avoiding. I was on my way for a much-needed shower when I remembered Red’s envelope, stuffed and crumpled into the back pocket of my jeans.
Jeans that I’d left carelessly on my bedroom floor.
Naked, I padded back to retrieve them, and the envelope slipped free as I picked them up. I slung them onto my bed, caught the envelope before it hit the floor, and turned it over in my hands. It smelled of Red—of musk and sunshine—and I tore it open with a pounding heart.
Jas,
I’m going to try and say what I meant to say the first time we spoke, though to be honest, I feel like we met a long time ago . . . perhaps we did, but I digress.
Kim means the world to me. For many years hewasmy world. I lived for him, and him for me. But life went on around us, and things changed. We changed.
Do you believe in the stars, Jas? Because I do, and I saw them align when you and Kim came together at that gig. Like you need him as much as I know he’s always needed you.
Don’t let the past, or even the present, cloud your destiny. Let yourself be happy.
And take care of my boy. You both deserve it. I won’t ever be a stranger, but you probably won’t see me for a while, and that’s for the best.
I love you both,
Lena xox
Wow. I folded the letter with exaggerated care and tucked it into the envelope. Red’s words had been much as I’d imagined they would be, but I was sorely unprepared for the emotion ripping through my soul.
I sank onto the edge of my bed and sat on my shaking hands. Kim’s bond with Red was nothing new, but the faith she’d placed in me by entrusting me with her most precious thing made my heart beat so fast I felt sick. Because Kim was fast becoming my most precious thing too, and I couldn’t shake the sensation that I didn’t quite deserve him.
The shadow of self-doubt niggled at me well into the evening, to the point where I even shut down my computer and cleaned the flat—something I never did unless Laura was coming round. By seven o’clock, the place was spotless, a fact I was equally proud and disturbed by, though I’d run out of time to brood on it.
I set off for the farm, taking advantage of one of autumn’s rare warm nights, and walked through town, pausing to shoot the odd long exposure down the beach, chasing the setting sun. My luck ran out as I turned in land, though, and it began to rain. The nice kind of rain first, pleasant and refreshing, but then big fat drops fell from the sky and soaked me to the skin.
Laura rushed out to meet me when she spied me traipsing up the mud-slicked drive. “You should’ve called. Your brothers could’ve driven the car into town.”
It hadn’t occurred to me to ask, but I was grateful for the towel and cup of tea Laura thrust into my hands once she’d got me inside. “How’s the barn coming along?”
“Much the same as it was yesterday,” Laura said dryly. “Though we had a visitor this afternoon. Honestly, I don’t know how Kim does it. He must work day and night.”
“Doesn’t everyone?”
Laura sighed. “Everyone we know, I suppose. I think your dad will die with a spade in his hand.”
It wasn’t hard to imagine. Belly Acre Farm was my father’s lifework, and I’d been raised to believe that his—and Laura’s—work ethic was how life should be. Shame my own had consumed my life so much of late I’d actually been rather lonely,until I met Kim.