And it’s wrong.
He was Rosa’s, and even with Esther’s words of wisdom still ruminating in my mind, I feel like I’m letting down the girl squad if I go there. How would Cami feel about it once she was older? And what if I’m misreading Eli’s interest? He’s definitely a bit more hands-on, putting his hand on my lower back if we go out to eat or go to the clubhouse, and he’s taken to kissing my forehead whenever he leaves, but if I’m wrong, I’ll feel like such a jerk for ruining a great friendship just because I want more.
But last night, instead of heading out after we ate takeout that he brought with him, we watched a movie. And somewhere in the middle of it, we both fell asleep with Cami safely snoozing in the playpen that’s now got a permanent place in my family room.
I woke up to find myself wrapped in Eli’s arms, somewhere I long to be on a permanent basis, only I can’t make myself pull the proverbial trigger and tell him how I really feel. So once again, he left me with a sweet forehead kiss and a promise to ‘see me soon’.
Frustrated at my inability to shit or get off the proverbial pot, I find myself angry cleaning my already pristine house before crawling into bed to scroll through my overloaded emails. Seeing one from a long-time friend I went to nursing school with, I open it and read it with growing excitement.
Ella and I were in the trenches together, first as dorm mates, then as best friends while we navigated the insanity involved in becoming a nurse. Late night study sessions, long days during our clinicals, and a love for anything with caffeine cemented our friendship. We even spent about six months together as traveling nurses. The experience was challenging, but I fully believe it honed my overall skills as a trauma nurse.
While Ella still works for the same agency, I returned to my hometown, bought my house, then started working at the hospital, where I still am today. I am part of the hospital’s trauma team which occasionally goes on-site to local disasters, but for the most part, I work at the hospital. Still, I miss the challenges of thinking on the fly, even though that seems to happen in the emergency department on a regular basis and wonder if I should consider taking a break to join her, especially when I read her email.
Hey girl! Long time, no hear from you. Hoping all is well in your part of the world. How’s Cami doing these days? Did Rosa ever get her shit together or are you still trying to do it all, like Wonder Woman? Anyhow, I thought I’d toss this out to you, we got a call that one of the areas that were previously inaccessible in the North Carolina mountains has opened up and they need allllllll the help they can get. These folks have been making do as best as possible, of course, but it’s literally all hands on deck. Thelma said to reach out to you to see if maybe you’d consider coming out for about a month or so? The normal contract is twelve weeks, but she knows that it’s unlikely the hospital can let you go for that long. Still, your skills are so needed, Fee. Please, please, please tell me you’ll at least think about it?
Love you like a fat kid loves chocolate cake!
Ella Bella
I don’t waste any time replying to her at all, certain that I need this break to get my head on straight with respect to Eli and our overall relationship. Maybe distance will help with that clarity, who knows? I let her know that I’d check with my boss to see if I can make it happen and then call Thelma directly if I’m able to do it.
“Ah, just the woman I wanted to see,” Betty, my supervisor and the charge nurse for this shift says as I walk into the employee locker/break room to put my stuff away before I start working.
“What’s going on?” I ask while putting my lunch in the refrigerator. I’m being a bit optimistic that I’ll get a chance to eat, but that’s why there are also protein bars in my scrub pockets. From what I could tell, all of our rooms on the ICU floor are full, which means it’s likely to be a busy night.
“I got a call from Thelma Andrews,” she replies. “Seems she’s in dire need of a nurse with your skills and capabilities for a month, maybe a few weeks longer.”
“I actually wanted to talk to you about that,” I admit. “You know I used to work for her agency before I took the position here.”
“Yes, and we’ve often loaned you out to them from time to time because you’re part of our traveling trauma team. I told her I had no problem with you taking a leave of absence for six weeks, but she couldn’t keep you permanently.”
I start snickering, because Betty may be known as a battleaxe to a lot of the newer nurses, but she’s one of the best people I know. She took me, a relative greenhorn despite my six months of experience as a travel nurse, and turned me into the calm, efficient professional I am today. “What do you need me to fill out?” I ask.
“I’ve already got the documentation ready for you to sign. I told her I needed you these next few days to wrap up your shifts here, then you were all hers, but after six weeks, I was coming to get you if I hadn’t heard from you. I don’t trust her not to try and snatch one of my best nurses out from underneath me. She’s been trying to do so for years now.”
“She told me once before that if she could just clone Ella and me both, she could take on more assignments,” I reply,still laughing. “The neat thing is, I’ll get to see Ella and work alongside her once again, at least for a few weeks.”
She turns serious then and says, “Thelma told me it’s bad up there. Most folks have been doing the best they could with the limited resources they had available to them, but she also put a call out to our hospital CEO for quite a few supplies. They’re getting those together and you’ll take those with you, Phoebe.”
I nod, used to this happening. While a lot of huge hospitals aren’t as generous, the smaller ones, like ours, have no problem assisting patients they’ll never see nor ‘make any money off of’ as our CEO has said more than once. He feels that we’re in the business of saving lives or at the very least, making sure a person is as comfortable and healthy as possible should the end be near. It’s one reason I stay here because he’s so adamant about the hospital employees being ready to help at a moment’s notice, that he regularly hosts various trauma conventions for further training and certifications.
“Then let’s get these things signed so I can see what this shift’s got in store for me,” I tease, holding my hand out for the pen she has tucked behind her ear. She reminds me a little bit of the waitress Flo from the showAlice, minus the gum chewing and popping. Her hair is a vibrant red in a bouffant style that went out years ago, but somehow, it works on her.
“Now, I just need to tell Eli I’m going to be out of pocket for a bit,” I muse as I drive home after my shift. I’ve already talked to Thelma and told her what day she can expect me, then I called Ella who may have permanently destroyed the hearing in both of my ears. Since there are no available hotels, I’ll be bunking withElla in the RV she now owns. We’ll use my SUV to travel to those who still have no means of transportation.
Thank goodness I got one that has four-wheel drive, and it’s recently been serviced. It’s ready to head out in three days, although I’m thinking about leaving after my last shift so I can drive as far as possible, find a hotel room for a few hours rest, then finish the trip the next day.
“I need to set up all my bills, although most are already on autopay,” I say out loud as I go through the list in my head of things that need to be done before hitting the road. “Call the lawn service and pay ahead, clean out the fridge so nothing spoils. And tell Eli. But I’m not telling him where I’m going, that’ll defeat me getting the space I need right now. At least I’ll be back by the time Cami’s first birthday gets here.”
Because there’s no way on earth that I’ll miss that particular event. Especially since I was there the day she was born and got to cut the cord. Our bond is something I cherish, and no matter what happens between me and Eli, I plan to continue to foster it as she gets older.
Hitting my garage door opener, I pull into the garage, my mind already adding to the mental list I started once Betty talked to me. While our nightwasbusy as hell, all of my charges were still hale and hearty when I left, so as far as I’m concerned, it was a good shift.
“Should I tell him in person or write him a letter?” I ask myself as I continue to jot down notes of things I need to accomplish before I leave. “I think I need to tell him why I need this as well.Like Esther said, sometimes you need to take a chance. If I shoot my shot and he doesn’t reciprocate how I’m feeling, I’ll have the time away to lick my wounds and get my head on straight so I can be around him in the future.”
Yeah… I suspect that will suck if he can’t see us as a couple. I still have a few feelings about the whole girl code thing, but at the end of the day, Rosa is gone and I’m not and I deserve to find my own slice of happiness. My phone chiming has me pulling it closer to me and I see I have a text from Ella.
Ella: Hey, Thelma said to make sure you pack decent hiking boots, as well as sturdy jeans. We wear the agency’s shirts, but it’s still so harsh up here, we have to dress accordingly. Also, she said you don’t have to worry about your tats on your arms. The patients won’t care, they just want medical care since they’ve been struggling for so long now.