“Have you done that already?”
Tean twisted his hands between his knees.“Yes.”He gave an unhappy laugh.“That’s why I’m here.Because I did it, and it feels fucking terrible.Because I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.”
After a moment, Hudson said, “That sounds like it was a big step for you.”
Tean shook his head.
“Are you upset because you blocked him?”Hudson asked.“Or because it felt wrong to do it?”
“I don’t know.Both.”But immediately, Tean said, “Because it feels so awful.Iknowit was the right thing to do.Just like I know I shouldn’t answer the door.Just like I know I shouldn’t talk to him when he calls at work.Everything between us was toxic.What he’s done to his family is toxic.He hurt me, and he lied to me, and he made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything.But do you know what’s so messed up?The minute he needed me, all he had to do was snap his fingers, and I went running.And I don’t want to live like that anymore.”
“But?”
The faint sound of traffic filtered into the room.
“But I loved him.For a long time.And I know he’s hurting, too.I know nobody’s perfect.”Heat filled his face.“I love Jem.More than I’ve loved anyone in my entire life.But there’s this part of me that just can’t let go of this stupid dream I had of Ammon.And I’m angry because I can’t—I can’t be angryenoughwith him.Because I just want him to be gone, and I know that hurts him, and now I feel even worse.”
“I can understand how that would be confusing and stressful.It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards Ammon for how he treated you, but you also still feel some attachment to him.You also have compassion for him and his situation, and that compassion makes you feel guilty for setting boundaries that you know will be painful for Ammon.Does that sound right?”
“It sounds insane.”But then Tean rubbed his eyes.“Yes.That’s…that’s accurate.”
“What if, instead of trying to reconcile all those different feelings, you practiced making space for them?They’re all part of who you are.You can recognize and validate them without letting them dictate your behavior.In fact, I’d encourage you to see your decision to set a boundary with Ammon as a healthy choice, but not one that invalidates the complexity of your feelings.In the same way that the complexity of those feelings doesn’t make your love for Jem any less.”
It felt like a long time went by before Tean said in a small voice, “I don’t know.”But then he said, “I want to do that.Set boundaries with him.And I want to get…better, because I don’t want to lose Jem.That’s what I want.”
Hudson smiled.“Let’s talk about that.”
39
It was the end of a day in late November, and Jem sat in the Subaru—the almost new Subaru legally purchased from a nice lesbian couple who had decided they needed, quote,more towing power.And they’d gotten a great deal on it.Because lesbians liked Jem.And Jem liked lesbians.And he had no idea why Tean thought it was hilarious whenever the issue came up.
He was parked on a gravel drive next to a cabin in a canyon northwest of Bear Lake.Cold enough outside that he kept starting the Subaru, in spite of the sweatshirt and coat he was wearing, and the air smelling like pine trees, smelling like water, smelling—this high—thin.Trees mostly bare.Where the leaves clumped up against the fence, they were brown instead of red and yellow.And the sun already gone but leaving a red streak in the sky.
Two trucks sat next to him.One was Tean’s, the white DWR truck he’d had returned to him after he’d gone back to work.The other was a massive Dodge Ram that had the dripping-with-luxury trim level—it was the size of a small boat, and a glance inside suggested it was probably more comfortable than Jem and Tean’s sofa at home.Two Sprinter vans were parked on the gravel too.Today’s operation required a team.
As dusk settled over the valley, lights came on in the cabin.It wasn’t really a cabin; it was a few million dollars and several thousand square feet of luxury, but it was the kind of place people who could afford that kind of thing would call a cabin.The owner, Jennifer Harding, had invited Jem inside twice.He wanted to be out here, he told her.For when they came back.So she brought him a ham sandwich, cookies, and a thermos of coffee.And they talked.And one thing led to another.And because Jem was on his best behavior these days, he didn’t let her buy him anything nice or give him any cash or anything.But she did order Scipio some stuff that would get shipped straight to the house, because she was a dog person, and her husband wouldn’t let her have dogs.And Jem and Tean could use the cabin whenever they wanted.And Jennifer had a place in Scottsdale—had they ever been to Scottsdale?They were going toloveScottsdale.
Hell, he had to dosomethingto keep from going stir-crazy.
There were a lot of things to like about Jennifer: she had hair like Dolly Parton, and she wore so many diamonds that she was like a one-woman disco ball, and she made an amazing ham sandwich.The secret, she said, was Durkee.
But maybe Jem’s favorite thing about her?
She hated Joe Neff even more than Jem did.And her property butted right up against his.
Movement at the tree line made Jem sit up.An ATV emerged from the trees and came toward the cabin.It was moving much more slowly than Jem remembered from that morning, and when Jem strained to make out details through the deepening gloom, the shape of the ATV was different—something boxy rode on the back.A second, larger ATV emerged from the trees a moment later, following the first at a distance.
As the ATVs approached the cabin, the rumble of their engines broke the silence.The shape on the back of the first ATV solidified into a ventilated crate.The ATV passed Jem without slowing and headed for one of the vans.The second ATV stopped at the end of the gravel drive.A man in his fifties, gym-toned and salon tan, got out first and put on a big Stetson and looked around.Jem could practically smell the testosterone rolling off him.Randy Harding, Jennifer’s husband, who had insisted on accompanying them.Another man, tall and wiry, stayed behind the wheel.Tean slid out of the back seat.
He had to be tired and cold and ready for a shower—he’d been out there all day, and from the little Jem knew, it hadn’t been easy work.A fresh scrape showed on the back of his hand, and he had dirt and leaves all up and down one side of him, and something about his face suggested a lot of ibuprofen was in his near future.But his face.Jem’s eyes stung, and he had to swallow against the sudden rush of emotion.That was Tean’s face.Again.After a long, long time.
Jem got out of the car.
“You’re out here?”Tean said.“I thought you were going to wait in the cabin.”
Shrugging, Jem said, “I wanted to see you when you came back.”A sheepish grin broke out.“I was worried.”
Tean found his hand and gripped it.