My silence answers for me.
"Janie, for fuck's sake." The worry in her voice makes my chest ache. "You’re not fighting him, you’re fighting for yourself. For Beckett. If you don’t take care of your body, he’ll crush you in court. And it won't be because he’s right. It'll be because you’ll be too weak to stand."
"I don't want to be at odds with him." The admission breaks something loose inside me. "I wanted to love him. I wanted us to be a family."
I start to cry. That is my go-to reaction to everything lately. I couldn't even get through folding a load of laundry without falling into a puddle on the floor beside it.
"I know, honey."
The tears keep pouring, but I keep talking through them. "Mom has Beckett for the weekend, and I'm relieved. What kind of mother is relieved not to see her child?"
"The human kind. The kind who knows her limits, who needs time to heal."
I curl deeper into the cushions. "I'm a complete wreck, Gem. My job is hanging on by a thread, and the man I love was planning a sneak attack on me. I have nothing to give right now. Not to Beckett, not to work, not even to myself."
"So be a hot mess." Her voice softens. "You're allowed to fall apart when no one's watching."
"I don't recognize myself anymore." I stare at the custody papers spread across the porch table. "I used to be strong. I raised him alone for over four years. Now I'mbroken, with barely enough energy to read to him before bed."
"You're not broken. You're grieving."
The word hits like a punch. Grieving. Yes.
"I'm mourning a man I never really had." My voice cracks. "A family that never existed outside my imagination."
"Janie, stop it. You still have to rise for yourself and for Beckett. Grieve, be a hot mess, and then you'll pick yourself up and continue on. That's what you do."
I press my thumb to my forehead, trying to contain the ache. "I don't know if I can fight him in court."
"You can. You have to. You’ve done harder things than this, Janie."
Nicole's officesmells like expensive leather and air freshener. I sit awkwardly in a plush chair that should be comfortable but somehow isn't. It's a perfect metaphor for this entire situation.
"I know we only just met, but you look like you're not taking care of yourself." Nicole's voice is gentle, but her eyes miss nothing. Her dark hair is pulled back in a sleek bun, not a strand out of place. Unlike me.
I push my fingers through my hair, feeling the tangles, and wondering what she must think of this crazy woman in front of her. "This is how I get through things. No sleep, lots of Ben & Jerry's, and crying. I'll pull it together eventually."
"That's understandable. Just remember this is about Beckett. That is why we are here. Don't lose sight of that." Nicole opens the leather portfolio on her desk. "Let's talk about what happens next."
My stomach knots. "I keep thinking I've made a terrible mistake."
"You haven't." Nicole's voice is firm. "Filing for sole custody was the right first move. It gives us leverage."
"Leverage." Such an ugly word. "It sounds like I'm trying to hurt him. That's never been my intent. He is a wonderful father, and he didn't ask to be put in this situation."
But isn’t that exactly what he thought about me when he drafted his petition? Not protecting. Not trusting. Leveraging.
The thought burns, because while I was picturing a future together, he was already treating me like an opponent across a courtroom table.
"You're not hurting him. You're establishing a strong negotiating position." Nicole taps a perfectly manicured nail against the document. "This petition isn't about punishing Warren. It's about protecting your rights until we have a formal agreement. It's just part of the process."
Is this what he was doing to me, unbeknownst to me? If this is the process, was this always his plan?
My eyes burn. "I don't want to keep Beckett from him."
"And you won't." Nicole leans forward. "But Warren drafted papers before you contacted me. You need to remember that. He was ready to file without discussion. We needed to act decisively."
I stare at the family photos on her shelf. Her smiling children, a husband with his arm around Nicole. Happy endings that seem impossible right now.