Ilay back on the medical table, my eyes boring into the ceiling while a cold gel was rubbed onto my pelvis.Darren stood over me, his eyes carefully watching every single move Sid made as he set up the equipment to begin the one thing I had been dreading since I discovered I was pregnant.
The first ultrasound.
I wanted no part in it.I didn’t want to hear a heartbeat.I didn’t want to see a bean-sized image on the screen.I didn’t want to give this pregnancy any more recognition than I already had to endure.The more involved I got, the harder it would be to deny the connection that would surely damn us both to hell.
If I cared for the child as much as Darren was expecting me to, then he could use that child against me to continue keeping me in line.And if I failed to comply, our child would suffer because of me.
If Darren believed I couldn’t give one single fuck about it, then maybe he wouldn’t bother.It would be one less weapon in his arsenal.Of course, he’d just find some other way to torture me.
But that whole plan of action reeked of disaster and complete impossibility.
Could I deny that child the love of a mother just to spare themsometorture from their father?A father who planned on literally torturing them anyway?I didn’t think the scale weighed fairly.
I also seriously doubted the love of a mother could overpower the abuse of a father, especially this particular father-to-be.If I interfered with the upbringing Darren had in mind for our children, I was sure he would just forbid me from ever seeing them again.
The situation was so fucked up.There was no winning in any scenario.I’d be forced to watch Darren corrupt our children from fucking infancy all the way into adulthood.Turning them into fucking monsters just like him.And if I had a girl?She would realize very quickly how little worth she had in her father’s life.
“There,” Sid suddenly said, pointing at the screen as he pressed the transducer across my skin.“There’s your baby.”
I closed my eyes, hoping that the sound of my own deep breathing would drown out the world around me.
“Jaden, look,” Darren ordered, but when I didn’t comply, he gripped my chin and turned my face toward the screen.
On a little ten-by-ten screen, there was the source of all my fears.This tiny shape in black and gray commanded so much attention, creating so much distress.
Could my body even support it?Was my womb healthy enough to bring it into this world?
For years, I’d felt diseased with trauma, contaminated from PTSD, and ruined by the brutal environment I’d been forced to endure.My blood ran thick with a virus for which there was no cure, no salvation.Would my trauma pollute this child too?Would they be able to survive their childhood with Darren if my body couldn’t produce the little capable warriors he expected?
Fuck!I was driving myself crazy.
“Looks like you’re about nine weeks, Jaden,” Sid commented, still observing the screen.
Jesus.I’d already been pregnant for over two months?
Sid then pointed out the gestational sac, the yolk sac, and the pulsing little heartbeat pumping away on the screen.
“Everything looks really good,” he assured.
Gaining courage, I spared a look at Darren, his expression crushing me even more.I’d never seen him look so prideful before.The corners of his mouth were slightly lifted, his jaw relaxed, and his eyes fully set on the image in front of him.
At least one of us was having a happy moment.
Suddenly, the footage on the screen of the ultrasound cut out, leaving nothing but a blank black screen.
“Ah, dammit!”Sid growled as he pulled the transducer away from my stomach.“They told me they fixed this stupid thing!State-of-the-art tech, my ass!”He began pushing all kinds of buttons and knobs, but nothing seemed to turn the machine back on.“I’m sorry about this.I will take care of it.But at the very least, from what I could see, everything looks perfect.Congratulations to you both.”
Pffft.Perfect.Yeah, sure it is.
“Sid, can you give us a minute,” Darren said, making my stomach drop.The last thing I wanted to do was be alone in this room with him after what he just saw.
“Of course,” Sid replied.“I’ll go take care of this machine and let you know when it’s ready for use again.”
He then stood and wheeled the machine out of the room, shutting the door behind him.As soon as he was gone, I sat up and grabbed some nearby paper towel to wipe the gel from my stomach, revealing much more disdain on my face than I should have.
“Jaden,” Darren said, his voice soft but firm.
“Don’t,” I shot back, tossing the paper towel away and pulling down my T-shirt dress.