"The screams you heard are his bird."
I stare at him blankly. "What?"
"The screaming is his bird, ma'am. An African Grey." Officer Whit's lips twitch. "Apparently, she likesLaw & Order."
"Really likes it," his partner snorts.
"She's extra salty tonight because he didn't let her watch it before bed."
"Um…" I have no words. Absolutely none.
I just called the police on Mason over a parrot?
This cannot be reality. It cannot.
"We checked the house. Everything is fine over there," Officer Whit says. "He doesn't even have a basement. He asked us to send his apologies for the noise. The bird is struggling to settle in since the move. He said she should calm down in a day or two. But if you'd like to file a noise complaint…"
Apparently, thisisreality.
"That…won't be necessary," I say weakly. "Thanks for letting me know."
"No problem. Have a good night."
Officer Whit and his partner step off the porch.
I close the door.
"Fuck my life," I whimper, sinking to my ass just inside. I called the police on Mason over a bird. He's probably so pissed right now.
I have to move to a different country and change my name. There's no other choice now. Absolutely none.
"You didn't!" Sarah groans bright and early the next morning, staring at me in horror as I brew coffee in the café built into the bookstore. "Please tell me that you're kidding."
"I wish I were," I croak, dumping grounds into the filter. "It was like a trainwreck, Sarah. I know he knows I'm the one who called. The police came to my house as soon as they left his. Like,as soon as."
"So much for discretion," she mutters.
"Right?" I cry, gaping at her. "It's a good thing he isn't a serial killer!"
"At least you're finally ready to admit it." She grins, arranging coffee mugs into orderly rows. "I thought you'd do something drastic first."
"I hate you," I groan, making her giggle. "I'm never living this down. I fucking ninja-rolled to my car just to get out of there without him seeing me this morning. If anyone saw me, they probably think I've lost it!"
"You have," she teases softly. "You called 9-1-1 on a bird."
"You aren't helping!" I cry. "If you'd heard what I did, you would have called too."
"How did you mistake a bird for a woman?" she asks before cracking up.
I glare at her.
"I'm sorry!" She wipes tears from her eyes. "It's just…this is so classically you. Remember that time you mistook Jasper for a burglar when he flew home from overseas to surprise you? You tried to jump on his back with a pillowcase to try to smother him to death, but you missed and landed on the coffee table."
Unfortunately, I do remember that. I have the scars from the nine stitches it took to sew me up to ensure I remember that shitshow. Jasper still has me listed in his phone as Anti-Theft Device. He thinks he's hilarious.
"It was screaming for help," I mutter defensively, refusing to dwell on all the shit I've done over the years that landed me in this exact position. Frankly, there's a lot of it, and I do not want to consider what that says about me or my life choices. "And it's not like I was in the same room with the bird. It was screaming from next door. The sound was muffled and distant. It sounded like a woman!"
Sarah's lips twitch again before she manages to compose herself. "What are you going to do now?"