Her sigh is warm and full. “Honey, you never need to apologize for calling. Are you alright?”
I want to lie, but all my lies have dried up.
“I guess, things with Travis are intense. I mean, they always are, but they feel even more so now.”
“How come?”
“I don’t know, it feels like we’re in this crazy spiral, now that he is so famous and I am just the girl he wants to be with. There is always so much drama. So many things happening.”
I tell her everything, from him leaping off the stage at his show, to seeing Dan today. When I’m done, I exhale and my shoulders slump.
“I get it, it sounds intense, but I think the real question you have to ask yourself is, does he make you happy?”
“Yes,” I breathe. “But I’m scared. What if it goes bad again? What if this time I don’t get over it?”
My mom laughs, not unkind. “The girl I raised could row a tiny boat through a hurricane. Nothing in this world could ever bring you down, sweetheart. You can’t live your life scared abouthow things might turn out. If it is what you want, and it feels right, then you have to go for it.”
I flop onto my back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “I still haven’t told Dad. He will flip.”
“Maybe,” she says. “But you’re not a kid anymore. He’ll need to deal with it. Just be honest with yourself—and with them. The longer you keep this a secret, the worse it will be.”
I pick at a loose thread on the blanket. “I haven’t told Travis about Lillian. I know I should, because it feels like I’m hiding such a big part of myself from him.”
This time she does sound surprised. “Oh, honey. You didn’t tell him yet?”
I shake my head, throat tight. “I don’t even know how to say it. I’m scared that he will never look at me the same.”
“Maybe before you go any farther with him, you should,” she whispers. “Secrets have a way of digging under everything when you least expect it. He deserves the truth. You might be surprised at how he takes it.”
She’s right, of course. She always is.
“What if he doesn’t accept it though? I don’t think I can handle that,” I say, staring at my own hands, and thinking I need to do something with my nails.
“I think you might be surprised. He has survived a lot, Violet, and so have you. Just be honest with him.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Anytime you need me, baby. I’m always here.”
I hang up and set the phone down. Then, I text Travis.
V - I think I want to talk about what happened with Lillian. Tonight?
T - Of course. See you when I get home x
I put the phone down and exhale slowly, the ghosts of the past lingering before me.
It’s time to banish them.
TRAVIS SITS IN FRONTof me, his eyes careful and guarded as he rakes them over my face. I am fumbling my hands around, clenching and unclenching them, as I try to prepare myself to tell him a story that I haven’t spoken about since it happened. It’s like a nightmare I keep reliving, and yet as time goes on, it feels like it drifts into the clouds, only coming out when it rains. I need to get this off my chest, and I know now is the time to do it.
“You talk when you’re ready to talk,” he says carefully. “I won’t say a word.”
“Okay,” I whisper. “Lillian and I loved the lake, I’m sure you remember. We spent every waking moment there. We were out there in the afternoon that day, and there was a storm rumbling about, but I honestly didn’t think it was that close. She didn’t want to go in. I kept pushing, telling her to stop being a baby, the storm wasn’t even close. I was wrong, Travis. So fucking wrong. She dove straight into the water to prove me wrong, coming up and laughing, telling me see, she wasn’t a damn baby and I better get in before she started taunting me, too.”
I close my eyes, taking a deep shaky breath for the part that comes next.
“It was as if it came out of nowhere, this crack of lightning so loud it was almost deafening. It hit the water, sending a current across it. It took me a moment to realize it had hit the water, it was only when I looked for her, and I couldn’t find her. I started to scream, running up and down the dock, calling her name, but she wasn’t anywhere. I called for help, and before I knew it, there were police and paramedics. They pulled her body from the water. She had suffered cardiac arrest when the lightning hit the water and drowned.”