“Is it?”
He’s right to question that. He was exiled as a traitor and was only allowed back after River’s “death” and the destruction of Las Vegas. Even though he’ll be welcomed back, it’s hard for me to picture River living in the Hive.
“There’s something else,” Josh says quietly.
“Go on.”
I feel him struggling to find the words, and I’m shaken when I hear him sobbing. I kiss his shoulder, giving him time to compose himself.
“I sometimes look at him, and I think… my River’s dead. I saw him die. I broke his skull, so how can he be real? Everything about him is still so River, but I can’t act like nothing happened. I feel like I should mourn someone who’s right there. I’m… I’m lucky but I’m cursed. Does that make sense?”
I hug him tighter. “Damn right it does. Hell, I would’ve been surprised if it didn’t affect you. But like you said, itishim now. And remember how bad you felt when you thought he was dead—you were quite shitty.”
“Shut up.”
“Do you love him?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then let things work themselves out.”
He snuggles back against me. “I would’ve been so pissed off if you didn’t come on this mission.”
“And miss showering with you? Nah.” I feel more at home with him right now than I do in Unity without him.
“Are you and Finn back together?”
I never told him officially that we had broken up, but Finn must have told River at some point. “We’re not together.”
“You two seemed fine at dinner.”
“We like spending time together, in and out of bed.”
He chuckles. “Did you let him fuck you yet?”
“You know me better than that.” I clear my throat. “Just two fingers.”
“No!”
“Shh.”
He bursts out laughing, and I don’t mind since I love his laughter.
He calms down and asks, “How scary was Hector?”
I ponder before I answer. “The scary part was that he wasn’t that scary. He seemed like any other Raider I was about to kill, until he wasn’t. It makes me wonder how many others like him are out there.”
“Thanks for giving me something sweet to dream about.”
I kiss the back of his head. “The fuck you’re worried about? I’ll protect you.” I regret saying that immediately. I made a vow to protect him a long time ago, and I failed when I let him fall down a hill and get captured by Raiders. He survived, but not because of me.
I fall asleep feeling troubled, wondering if I can keep my vow to him this time.
*
Their dark silhouettes shift through the fog, circling me like they’re hunting. The air is frosty, and the ground is damp beneath my bare feet. My heart beats faster the closer they get, sweat soaking into my dirty uniform. A voice in my head tells me this is just a dream, but itfeelstoo real. I’m looking for something to pick up and use as a weapon, but I only find dead leaves. The creatures in the fog hiss and click as if they’re about to attack. God, I hate their smell.
“What the fuck do you want?” My voice echoes like I’m in a tunnel, but I can see parts of the dark sky above me.